Hibernation (AKA, Don’t Read This if you Are Squeamish About Bodily Fluids)

I’ve been hibernating for the past few days. Not the fun sleep-through-the-winter-live-off-your-stored-fat type of hibernation (lose weight by sleeping? awesome!). It’s more like the can’t-get-out-of-bed kind. I went to work yesterday. But, my boss took one look at me and put me on Help Desk for the day. And I tried to go to work today. But, I may or may not have vomited all over the street on my walk in.

Yeah, I threw up. A lot. And the best part? Is that I’m taking the OTC medicine that makes your pee bright orange. Well, it also apparently makes your vomit bright orange as well. Let me repeat that:

I threw up bright orange vomit all over the sidewalk while walking to work today.

I’m sorry if you think that was gross, but think about how I feel! I was the girl who didn’t even make it to the trash can in time (that’s not entirely true… rounds 3 and 4 were in the trash. rounds 1 and 2 were not). I was the girl who ruined her favorite pink shoes because, trust me, radioactive orange is not an easy color to get out. Also, I was the girl throwing up on the sidewalk while several people walked right by her and pretended that I wasn’t there.

It’s kind of astounding, really, that I probably saw ten or so people while I was busy being ill and not one person stopped to ask if I was ok. Personally, if I saw someone throwing up neon orange all over the place, I would most likely stop and ask if they were ok. Or if I needed to call a hazmat team. Nobody really avoided my path to protect their shoes though, so maybe they really were all so into their own little worlds that they didn’t see me.

But I highly doubt it.

Anyways, this whole Me Being Sick thing is getting pretty old. Especially since I have a show tomorrow. And I would prefer that it be a musical type show and not an Exorcist type show. “Wow! Look at Hope spin her head around and then vomit bright orange! This is waaaaay better than the Blue Man Group!” But, hey, orange is, in fact, my favorite color. So, really, if I were to throw up at my show tomorrow night, it would really just be an homage. Yeah.

Anyways, it’s amazing what spending several days basically doing nothing does to you. I can’t decide if I’m ready to fall back asleep or jump out of my skin. It’s a very odd feeling… to realize that you have probably slept yourself right into exhaustion. Or maybe my inability to keep my eyes open when I got back into bed this morning and my subsequently sleeping until 3:30 was just my body’s way of saying “Hey Dumbass! When you’re sick, you need to TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. None of this pretending to be fine bullshit.”

All I know is, I think that I have read all that there is on the internet and I am ready to start feeling better so that I can get out of my apartment.

UPDATE:
Oh, but I come up with the funniest (stupidest?) things when I spend all day in bed and then send cracked out IMs to my friends about puking in public. For your edification, I will edumucate you on the 12 steps of throwing up radioactive orange in public:

Step One is admitting that you need to find a trash can.
Step Two is believing that you will make it to the trash can in time.
Step Three is making the decision to run to the trash can as fast as you can.
Step Four is searching for a closer trash can.
Step Five is admitting to ourselves that we are not going to make it and are, in fact, going to puke right there on the sidewalk.
Step Six is being ready to just *ahem* let it all out.
Step Seven is humbly looking around to see if anybody noticed.
Step Eight is making a mental list of all of the people ignoring you.
Step Nine is vowing to payback humanity for so thoughtlessly ignoring you in your time of need.
Step Ten is admitting that people suck and there is nothing you can do about it, so let it go.
Step Eleven is improving your connection to the trash can by pausing for a moment so that you can run over to it.
Step Twelve is having an awakening about puking in public and then spreading the word by posting a stupid list on your blog.

Ummm… Yeah… that was a lot funnier in my head…