A Handful of Dreams

I just realized that today is my half birthday.

(It’s also Nancy’s real birthday today. Happy birthday, Nancy!)

I’m in a birthday frame of mind, so naturally I started thinking about the big 3-0. As of today, it’s a year and a half away. Yikes. I still think of myself as being about 17. Or 6. Depends on if there are any good cartoons on. Or juice boxes available. In order to celebrate the idea that turning 30 isn’t so horrible (People are living longer! Medicine is getting better! I’m well moisturized!), I’ve decided to participate in the blogging meme, 30 before 30. Basically, I’m going to come up with 30 cool things to do before I turn 30. And then, I’m going to try and get them all done.

An awesome example is here.

This list might be a work in progress over the next month or so. But, hey, I have a year and a half. And I’m a pretty notorious procrastinator.

Here goes nothing!

1. Have drinks at Top of the Hub.
2. Run four more pikermis. (Hey, that’s like running 2 full marathons!). Bonus points for running a full instead.
3. Sew a quilt that I keep and use for myself.
4. Swim with a dolphin. (Basically, this means visiting Aunt Mary!)
5. Take Kristian on a picnic.
6. Get another tattoo.
7. Write a song about a completely ridiculous subject like canals or the industrial revolution.
8. Go white-water rafting.
9. Make a Baked Alaska. Bonus points if I don’t ruin it.
10. Attend an outdoor play.
11. Participate in a day-long service project.
12. Go on an overnight hike.

I’m tempted to say 11: Come up with 19 more things to add to my list. But, somehow that seems like cheating.

Any suggestions for changes I can make to my list? Any suggestions for things to add?

It’s Oscar time again. Which can mean only one thing. Cleavage, crying and the winner of Best Set Design getting played off stage.

It also means that I’m doing another live blog. E! starts their coverage at 6pm, when the seat fillers, agents and various hangers on arrive. Let’s get this party started!

6:25pm Ryan Seacrest just accused Zoe Saldana of “not really acting” in Avatar. She looks like she wants to slap him. Don’t we all, Zoe. Don’t we all. Her dress looks an awful lot like a toilet paper cozy that my Nana once made.

6:29pm Does Ryan Seacrest’s douchiness know no bounds? Seriously. Giving Nicole Ritchie and Joel Madden shit about getting not married anytime soon. PA jabs and intrusive relationship questions that he’s already asked about a bazillion times. He’s like America’s drunk uncle at a telecast family party.

6:34pm I have nothing snarky to say about Ryan Reynolds because I’m too busy drooling. And Ryan Seacrest just called Sandra Bullock “A chick that’s like a dude,” so you know I want to get my snark on right about now.

6:35pm Tina Fey looks classically glamorous. I guess she got tired of all the shit she got for her dress at the Golden Globes. Well played Tina, well played.

6:38pm So help me God, I really, really, really want to force feed James Cameron’s wife a swammich. I think that her collarbones are going to give me night terrors.

6:40pm Poor Peter Sarsgaard. Nobody will sing Happy Birthday to him because of the royalties. Happy birthday to you. Happy Birthday to you. Your wife probably won’t win that Oscar. But happy birthday to youuuuuuu. I now owe an investor group twelve thousand dollars.

6:44pm Tom Ford is wearing…. Tom Ford. In other news, the sky is blue, the grass is green and I’m kindof a bitch.

6:48pm Sigourney Weaver is just stunning. And more than twice my age. I don’t know if I could look that good on a red carpet. Please excuse me while I weep silently into my keyboard. And order more moisturizer.

6:5opm Tina Fey is wearing Michael Kors. And she looks glorious. Bless that little orange man.

6:56pm Dear Sandra Bullock: I don’t care what that douchey le bag says about you. Your only resemblance to any sort of dude is maybe the Oscar statuette. Which I hope that you will be holding later.

6:58pm Diane Kruger looks fabulous from her boobs up. From her boobs down? Let’s just say she could hang out with Zoe Saldana in the “hall of toilet paper cozies that my Nana has crocheted.” Apparently it’s going to be quite the party there this year.

6:58-7:06pm I kindof spaced out for a few minutes there. There is only so much Ryan Seacrest that a girl can take without desiring to stab her own eyes out with a spork. I need to leave some gas in the tank for the rest of the pretty dresses.

7:06pm Miley Cyrus is like 10-15 years younger than me. And yet? She kindof looks a little like a woman who has been working at the same diner. For the past 50 years. How is this even possible? I blame the orange skin. And the crazy big hair. Miley says she wants to be “Marilyn Monroe-esque” today. If by Marilyn Monroe-esque she means Bride of Frankenstein-esque, then mission accomplished.

7:13pm Dear Amanda Banks. Bigger sizes. They’re ok. Nobody can see the label. It’s really ok. It’ll be a little secret between you and your stylist. You pay her enough. Girlfriend can keep a secret.

7:16pm What, exactly, does Sarah Jessica Parker have on the back of her head? My head says it’s her hair, but my heart says it’s several french crullers.

7:19pm Are the folks at E! contractually obligated to say something nice about everyone’s dresses? They love Charlize Theron’s dress. I think it makes it look like someone is groping her from behind. They loved Amanda Seyfried’s dress. I thought it looked like something from last week’s Project Runway where they made clothes from hardware store items. Or maybe I’ve been a homeowner for so long that everything now looks like drywall screen to me.

(I keep spacing out. Someone needs to get me some snacks. And by someone I mean me. Possibly Kristian. Maybe the cats. Probably not the dog.)

7:32pm Jay Manuel and I can agree on one thing. Queen Latifah looks fabulous.

7:33pm What in the H – E – Double Hell Noes is J-Lo wearing? She looks like one of my Nana’s toilet paper cozies… on acid. Jay and Juliet think it’s gorgeous. I think maybe they’re on acid, too. The brown kind that they warned us all about at Woodstock.

7:39pm Gabourey Sidibe looks awesome. Even if she did refer to herself as a money shot. She looks better than a whole bunch of actresses who are literally half her size. Hells yeah.

7:45pm L’Oreal’s new “roll-on” makeup kindof scares me. Why would I want to apply makeup with a tool that looks suspiciously like something that I use to apply paint to the walls of my house? Note to L’Oreal advertising people: painting on ones face is not normally considered to be a good thing.

7:48pm I’m thinking that Meryl Streep might have made a deal with the devil. She joins Sigourney Weaver in the pantheon of “older stars who look way better than me and kindof make me want to cry.” Sob. Someone please get me chocolate. And some more moisturizer. Let’s be honest, someone please get me some botox and a personal trainer, personal chef, personal masseuse, personal aesthetician and a hyperbaric chamber. Note to self: nobody pays you to look gorgeous. Remember: you get to eat swammiches.

7:58pm Why does Cameron Diaz always get invited to the Oscars? Has she ever been in anything Oscar-worthy? I think it’s just so we can all chuckle at the crazy stuff that she always seems to turn up in. Except for this year. When she actually looks kindof cute. I bet she doesn’t get an invite next year.

8:01pm It’s official telecast time! Well, official red carpet time. They’re lining up all of the major nominees together. I can’t be the only person who is (not so secretly) hoping for a bitch fight. Too bad these ladies are all such good *ahem* actresses. There will be no hair pulling. I can only weep.

8:04pm Talking about your commitment issues? In front of your girlfriend? Is a really great way to find yourself on the express bus to Celibacy Town, George Clooney. Oh wait, you’re George Clooney.

8:05pm Sandra Bullock is waxing poetic about getting to eat when the Oscars are over. Her dream meal? Sounds an awful lot like what I ate after my half marathon. I  knew I loved her for a reason. Dear Sandra: you and I are two peas in the same pod. If by same pod you mean, completely different pods. As I am not a famous actress, beloved the world round. I do, however, enjoy eating fries and drinking milkshakes. Based on this, I think that we should be best friends. Forever. I look forward to your restraining order.

8:10pm Helen Mirren. Helen Mirren. Please join Meryl Streep and Sigourney Weaver. I’ve run out of moisturizer jokes.

I hit pause and then went to get dinner. No more time stamps. I know that you are all now weeping.

Miley Cyrus: Stand up straight. For the love of God, stand up straight.

How much fun would it be to be one of the red carpet interviewers and just totally fuck with people? The stars are expecting you to ask something trite like “how would it feel to win an Oscar?” And you could come out of left field and ask something completely non-fluffy. Ask Sean Penn when he stopped beating his wife. Ask Zac Effron why High School: the Musical sucks so badly. Ask James Cameron’s wife if he’s really as much of a bastard in real life as everyone says. This is why I’m not a red carpet personality.

And it’s telecast time…

(updates will probably be sporadic)

(polite applause is just not as humorous as ugly dresses)

(please, contain your weeping)

Squee! Neil Patrick Harris! He’s singing! And so sparkly! And surrounded by show girls? I’m confused. I think they’re trying to prove that Proposition 8 doesn’t make California any less gay. Bravo, NPH. Bravo.

What do you call a monologue when there are only two people on stage? A duologue?

Who doesn’t love a good Hitler joke? Answer: George Clooney. Little known fact. George Clooney doesn’t love any jokes. George Clooney hates all jokes. Jokes killed George Clooney’s grandmother.

George Clooney almost cracked a smile just now. But then he thought better of it.

So far, I am 2 for 2 on my Oscar predictions. I don’t expect this to last. Unless I hit pause, walk away, avoid the internet and go “la la la I can’t hear you!” if anyone tries to talk about them.

Ben Stiller dressed like a character from Avatar? I can’t remember the last time I was so amused by the award for Best Makeup. In fact, I can’t remember ever being amused by the award for Best Makeup.

I’m assuming that Sapphire had it written into her contract that nobody could say “Precious” without following it up with “Based on the novel Push by Sapphire.” The guy who wrote the screenplay based on that novel didn’t thank her in his speech. I wonder if this means she gets his first born child. Or his soul.

Mo’Nique wins Best Supporting Actress! I wish I had something original to say about this. But everyone has been talking about how she was a shoo-in. So it’s pretty much all been said. I definitely don’t include me in everyone, because I haven’t seen the movie. Yet. We also haven’t seen Avatar. I really need to get out more.

Just once in my life, I would like to see teams that have won an Oscar physically fight each other over who gets a turn at the microphone. It’s not that I’m a fan of violence. I just think that the big guy in the back that doesn’t get to say anything could totally take them.

SJP now has a frizzy cruller on her head. And she’s wearing one of my great-aunt’s nighties. Backwards. Presenter irony WIN.

I can’t tell if the Best Costume winner is super awesome or super bitchy. I’m gonna go with a little bit of both. I guess after your third Oscar, you tend to get a little jaded.

If Kristen Stewart was a better actress, she’d make people think that she actually enjoys herself. Or his capable of smiling.

Is it jut me or does the horror montage have a distinct lack of Hitchcock movies? A travesty. A complete travesty. Or are thrillers not horror movies? All I know is that they all scare me. Heck. The Fluffy Little Bunnies Enjoy the Sunshine in Happy Town would probably scare me. Am fraidy cat.

Could someone please explain the difference between sound mixing and sound editing? As a musician, I’m embarrassed that I even need to ask this.

Is it just me or is it always the people who win the non-marquee awards that talk the longest?

I am battling the dueling desires to tear up at the dead people montage and to punch James Taylor in the face. People died and it’s sad. But James Taylor is a tool and that makes me angry.

It wouldn’t be an Oscars telecast without at least one random, superfluous dance number. At least it made sense when it was the nominated songs. But, really, who dances to the soundtrack from the Hurt Locker? I do like that the main dancer looks like my Uncle Artie. If I had an Uncle Artie. … And cut to the audience reaction shot where everyone pretends that they weren’t just napping.

I should be a seat filler at the Oscars. My main qualifications? I can fill a whole seat. And I’m really good at applauding.

If Avatar and the Hurt Locker end up winning the same number of Oscars, it’s because Kathryn Bigelow and James Cameron agreed to divide their assets 50-50 in the divorce agreement. Is anyone surprised that Avatar is winning all of the technical awards? Even people living in caves know that Avatar was going to win all of the technical awards. Says the girl who never saw Avatar. I think I might be the last person on Earth who hasn’t seen Avatar. Including cave people. Yes, I am running out of jokes. And also getting sleeeeeepy. The Oscars are always so looooong. I think that my eeeeeee and ooooooo keys might be broooookeeeeeeeeeeen.

You might have an Oscar now, Fisher Stevens, but to me you’ll always be George Minkowski on Lost. Sorry.

Dancing with the Stars confuses me. Buzz Aldrin is definitely a star. I mean, the man walked on the moon. There’s an astronomy joke in there somewhere. After googling Jake Pavelka, I’m still not sure who he is. You’d think if they can get an astronaut, they could get some better stars. Or am I just confused because I don’t read US Weekly anymore?

Quentin Tarantino is one creepy looking dude. Do they have to pass out photos of him around the Kodak Theater letting people know that he will be in the area?

Did George Clooney just crack a smile? He’s probably thinking about how happy he is that the telecast will be over in half an hour.

Why is Kate Winslet wearing a bridesmaids dress?

Jeff Bridges is either really excited or really high. Possibly both. I think that Oscar really ties his career together.

Sandra Bullock would have earned another Oscar if she had managed to actually look surprised about winning this award. Props to her for giving props to all of the other actresses. This is one hell of a speech. Although I think she just pulled a Hillary Swank and forgot to thank her husband.

Apparently Kathryn Bigelow had a better divorce attorney than James Cameron.

I only saw a few of the movies nominated for Best Picture (the Hurt Locker, District 9 and Inglourious Basterds). But I’m really glad that the Hurt Locker won. A great movie. You should all go out and see it.

On that note. Bed time!

When I was somewhere around 8 years old, I discovered Calvin and Hobbes. And, being an 8-year-old who was so inclined, I cultivated my inner Calvin. I’d like to think that he’s still in there somewhere, causing mischief and imagining endless possibilities.

Except without that whole “peeing on things” tendency that he seems to manifest himself as on bumper stickers.

Although, now that I think of it, that’s a pretty good question. If you were a Calvin bumper sticker, what would you be peeing on? I think I would be peeing on people who don’t signal that they’re turning left until they’ve already entered an intersection and it’s too late to go around them. I suppose that doesn’t translate to a graphical medium all that well. Pity. I hate those people.

The best time to indulge your inner Calvin is after a strenuous triceps workout. You see, the thing about you triceps is, when you force them to lift heavy things, put them down and then repeat 11 more times… they tend to curl up. Much like the arms of a velociraptor. Which, let’s be honest, is the closest to a reason for making dinosaur noises as most of us are going to get. At least those of us who are older than about 12. Anyone who knows anything about Calvin and Hobbes knows that he was constantly imagining dinosaurs. And impersonating them.

I’m proud of my velociraptor arms. They mean that I really pushed myself at the gym.

And, you know, RAWR!!!!

Well, the important thing is that I finished. The second most important thing is how I actually ran.

Allison and I finished at exactly the same time: 2 hours, 32 minutes and 39 seconds. We were aiming for 2 hours and 30 minutes, so I suppose that I could be disappointed… but like I said, the goal was always just to finish.

Allison and I finished with the same time, but she comes before me alphabetically, so she finished one spot ahead of me in the listings. She was 1881 out of 2979 runners and I was 1882. Which is why I will be changing my name to Aaaaamanda. It might be a little confusing at family gatherings. But so worth it.

We did a lot more walking than I would have liked. And a lot more walking than Allison would have liked. What can I say? There were a lot of effing hills in Pasadena. Allison kept saying “This is  the last hill, I swear.” She is a dirty, rotten liar and her running shorts are on fire. But, she’s also an awesome running buddy and a lot of fun to have by your side for 13.1 miles. We laughed it up with everyone around us on the course. The best part? Running down one of the steeper hills and yelling “Wheeeeeeeeeee!” When a guy turned to laugh at us, Allison told him her favorite joke.

(What did the snail say while riding on the back of turtle?)

(Wheeeeeeeeee!!!)

We also ran by a lovely woman who told me she liked my tattoo (Hope! Very nice!), got sprayed down by a guy with a gallon of Bio-Freeze in one of those industrial sprayers that they use to kill weeds and just barely got beaten by a woman who, despite being no better at this whole running business than we are, was wearing those running undies normally sported by the elite women. 13.1 miles of sporadically seeing the bottom of her, well, bottom. You’d think it would have made me run faster.

I don’t have any more photos… because in all of Kristian’s shots I look either fat, blurry or fat and blurry. And yet? No regrets about that trip to In N Out Burger. It was so worth it.

I’ve already signed up for my next half marathon (Worcester in June). Not meeting my goal of 2:30 just makes it that much easier to do better next time. Maintaining my current mileage should also help. I worked my way up from a short run of 1.5 miles and a long run of 2 miles to a short run of 4 miles and a long run of 10. If that doesn’t tell you how hard I worked for this, I don’t know what does. Now? I just need to maintain those longer distances. Piece of cake… once I can walk again. The massage I had on Monday helped me to almost feel human again, but I still want to cry every time I walk an incline or have to take any stairs. My hope is to start running again in a few days (right after I start walking again). With set distances, I can work on my speed and cut down on my walking. I already mostly run, but I’d like to get to the point where I don’t walk at all.

It was a whirlwind of a trip, but we had a ton of fun. I really loved having an excuse to hang out with my sister and her fiancé. I’m actually a little sad to not have a common goal and a visit to look forward to, but I’m hoping that the next race will keep me going.

Just last year, Allison and I both had knee problems so bad, we weren’t sure of our future as athletes. I was initially scared that I’d never be able to run again. I worked my tail off to get to the point where I could just start training. To finish a half marathon was something I probably couldn’t have even imagined last Spring. I’ll admit it, when we runners started off and I realized that, yes, this was really happening… I got a little teary. This time last year, I couldn’t even run a mile. And I just ran 13.1 of them.

I’d have to say… mission accomplished.

And now I am so very tired.