While watching the Super Bowl last night, it struck me that they’ve managed to find sponsors for pretty much everything. You don’t just have halftime, you have halftime sponsored by some giant corporation. You don’t just have a timeout, you have a timeout sponsored by some giant corporation. The players don’t just wear “athletic supporters,” they wear athletic supporters sponsored by some giant corporation.
(Ok, that last one is an exaggeration).
(But just barely).
Ever the jokester, I quipped that I would like to sponsor the gap in between Michael Strahan‘s teeth. Which is all very well and good, but what shell corporation am I going to use to fiance this gap-sponsoring venture? I’d use my blog, but I haven’t monetized hoperoth.com and I don’t plan to. All that extra traffic would just force me to pay for more bandwidth. I don’t have a fancy MBA or anything, but even I know that’s a piss-poor business plan. “This blog costs me money! I should make it cost me more money!”
(Sure, it worked for all those dot-coms back in the day… but I’m not funded by venture capitalists).
(Note to self: find some venture capitalists).
(Note to self: you should probably plan to get them drunk).
Which is when I realized that I need to sponsor the gap in between Michael Stahan’s teeth on behalf of my campaign for the position of Benevolent World Dictator. It makes sense, really. I believe in things like democracy and the will of the people. Which is why I will need everyone to vote me into my benevolent office. How do you get votes? Kissing babies and spending a lot of money on TV commercials.
(Note to readers: I was not a poli sci major).
My basic platform is already laid out in this post, but I’ll repeat it here. Because I know how to copy and paste like a big girl.
- No fancy ice cream names unless the ice cream contains at least four different flavors.
- September 8th (my birthday) will be an international holiday, celebrated with parades, singing and chocolate orgies.
- The punishment for marking low priority emails with the high importance flag will be life imprisonment.
- Tuesdays will be silly hat day.
In order to woo a certain Captain of Snack Food, I’ve added a few more items to my platform (darn special interests). The following actions will result in life in prison:
- The forwarding of 1990s email chain letters
- The scheduling of meetings on Friday after 2PM (he requested 3pm, but I’m a benevolent dictator of the people and I know that the people hate Friday meetings).
- The inability of lifetime New England residents who can’t drive in the snow/rain
After much thinking (and hitting of the snooze button this morning), I’ve decided to add a few more items to my plank.
- Columbus Day will no longer be observed. Instead, we’ll all get the day after the Super Bowl as a national holiday. Make that an international holiday. Because I ain’t the Benevolent World Dictator of just the United States.
- Anyone caught putting up Christmas decorations (either at home or at their local drugstore) before Halloween will be forced to watch ALF’s Special Christmas until they willingly convert to Flying Spaghetti Monsterism. (I considered making it Thanksgiving instead of Halloween, but I wanted to show that I am, indeed, benevolent).
- Anyone caught wearing leggings as pants will be given a muumuu to wear and will have the contents of their wardrobe confiscated and given to deserving orphans.
- You will need to pass an IQ test in order to be allowed to post comments on online newspaper articles, youtube and twitter.
- Anyone caught typing the phrase “could care less” will have their internet access confiscated for a week.
So, what say you, oh lovely blog readers? Can I count on your vote?
You can count on my vote for the IQ test before commenting alone. I’d vote for you twice just for making that happen.
And you corrected yourself on the “couldn’t care less.” I think you meant anyone typing could care less. I hope?
You are so right. Fixing that now.
Great, now I’m going to have to communicate with everyone via passenger pigeon.
Now all we need is a ghost-writer for your 300-page biopic that summarizes your 20-page manifesto that in itself is just a rewording of your 1-page platform that is made up of 12 140-character or less tweets.
Oh, and a spot on The Daily Show. So you can be mocked by Lewis Black.
I better get campaign managing…
You already would won my vote when you first started campaigning with the icecream post 🙂 And you’ve given me so many more reasons.
1. Work meetings on Friday after 2PM are stupid. I have them at least once a months (4PM – 7PM).
2. I’m all for an IQ test before anyone should be allowed to communicate online. (And your’s was just a “typo”, that happens to the most intelligent of people, because their head is so full of brilliant thoughts that they can’t be bothered with something so ordinary than typing correctly). Plus: You will be the World Dominator, you can just make it a rule, that you don’t have to follow your rules 🙂 No need to bring out the pigeons!
Can I hire Ewan McGregor as my ghostwriter? He’s dreamy…
Three votes so far! We can totally make this happen! :p
You have always had my vote.
Aw shucks… thanks. 🙂
Wait, I have a question. What if I really COULD care less? As in, for example, “I’m into this TV show, but my BF is not and since it’s not that important to me, maybe I should care less about watching it.”
This is by no means my way of starting a debate; these are just the things that run through my head. Continue on…
Oh, in that situation you’d be fine. It’s the declarative “I could care less” when they really mean that they couldn’t care less that’s punishable.
Beyonce used it incorrectly in a song, no less.