Just to Prove That I Have Been Studying…

The Cuban Missile Crisis: A Primer

For the longest time, the Russians had been grumbling about the fact that the US had placed nuclear missiles in their backyard (in places like Turkey) and had pointed them at Khrushchev’s head (among other key targets). So, they retaliated by putting some nuclear missiles of their own in Cuba.

USSR to USA: How do you like them apples?

Yes, there are complex geo-political strategic reasons for why the Russians put missiles in Cuba. But… I’m American. I like my sound-bites short and my explanations overly simplistic. Really, I would love to read, “The Cuban Missile Crisis: A Coloring Book.” (anything to break out the Crayolas, right?)

The Americans found out about these missiles during the course of normal spy operations, taking pictures from a U-2 spyplane (U-2 Motto: We Haven’t Caused any International Incidents Since the Eisenhower Administration. Oops).

So, the Americans freaked out a little. We’re very “do as we say, not as we do.” Or maybe that’s, “got mine, up yours.” Either way, we didn’t take so kindly to having missiles pointed at our own heads.

So, JFK was faced with a bit of a conundrum. Unlike the difficult decisions that most of us face, if he chose wrongly, it could end in the total destruction of the Earth as we know it in a ginormous ball of nuclear fallout (Obligatory linkage to that cartoon about launching zee missiles). This is why you couldn’t pay me enough to be President. Even if I am unelectable.

JFK had a few options. He could try diplomacy. He could offer to remove some missiles from Turkey in a tit for tat type situation. He could attack the missile sites in Cuba and then send in troops. He could setup a blockade around Cuba. Unlike most of his forefathers, Kennedy opted not to send in the Marines, choosing to erect a blockade instead. Of course, he figured that he could just send in the Marines later.

The Russians responded by saying, “We’ll move our missiles if you promise to keep your grubby fingers off of Cuba.”

… And then followed it up by saying, “Actually, we’ll move our missiles if you get yours out of Turkey.”

JFK was caught between a rock and the American Public. He wasn’t particularly interested in starting WWIII (even if the White House did have a kickass fallout shelter), but he also didn’t want to appear weak by backing down. He and his advisors stayed up late trying to think of a good solution. Of course, this probably had an adverse effect on the process as it just made them all jittery and sleep deprived. The thought of the man with his finger on the button all hepped up on coffee and executive power kindof scares the crap out of me.

Luckily, cooler heads (namely, his brother Robert) prevailed. Kennedy pretended that he never got that second message and said, “Fine, we’ll leave Cuba alone if you’ll just get rid of your stupid missiles.” He then backed this up by secretly telling the Russians that they really would move their missiles out of Turkey (“Look, just between you and me, they’re old and busted. We were going to get rid of them anyways. But I gotta look strong for my bitches back home”). He backed this up by crossing his heart and hoping to die (hopefully not from the general direction of a grassy knoll) to the head of the UN that he really did intend to get rid of the missiles. But, shhh, don’t tell anyone.

Kennedy made his promise to keep his nose out of Cuba (adding in “… unless they totally provoke us.”) Russia removed their missiles from Cuba. Kennedy removed his missiles from Turkey.

He was happy. Khrushchev was happy. Crisis averted.

Everyone’s happy, right? Well, not really. Castro was pretty pissed off. “They’ve been trying to kill me!” he yelled. “They wanted to do me in with an exploding cigar! Do I have to remind you about a little incident called the Bay of Pigs? Seriously, Russia. Why you gotta be such a douche?!?”

Thus, while total nuclear annihilation of us all was averted, this excellent compromise left everyone a bit unhappy. Especially Khrushchev, who came off looking like a bit of a pussy. At least to his compadres back home. Really, I think that it takes the bigger man to say, “I think that I like my radiation safely contained and not in my water supply. Let’s work with the Americans.” Those silly politicians! Kennedy came under criticism as well. Until he reminded everyone that he was JFK. “I’m hot! I slept with Marilyn Monroe! Ich Bein Ein Berliner!” And that worked. Mostly. Not with Joe Dimaggio. Who was like, “EFF YOU!”

It wasn’t until years later that smart people realized just how close we all came to the brink of destruction. The Soviets had placed short range missiles (capable of traveling about 25 miles or so) on Cuba, to supplement the big boys that were aimed at the US. The Russian commander in Cuba had discretion, if Cuba were to be attacked and communications cut off, to launch these nukes at the invading forces. You nuke American boys and America is gonna strike back. The USA so totally would have launched an air strike of the total destruction variety on Castro’s ass. Russia would have retaliated in kind. It would have been the end of world as we know it. Nobody would have felt fine.

Robert McNamara found out about this in the 90’s. He almost peed himself. Of course, by this time he was pretty darn old. So, that would have been pretty much par for the course.

The end.