Still Studying!

So, I am still studying my tuchus off. Ok, I am actually studying and eating chocolate. So, my tuchus is actually probably expanding and not dropping off of my body. I can almost feel my pants get tighter around the assular area. But, you know what I mean. In an effort to solidify my knowledge and to humor myself by retelling history with the use of dirty words, I will endeavor to write out another boring blog entry about what I’ve been studying. Without further ado, I present to you:

The Suez Crisis: A Primer Using Dirty Words

(FYI, we are going back in time to the Eisenhower administration)

For those of you who, like me, are American and thus have geography knowledge that is spotty at best, I will give you a brief cheat sheet on the Suez Canal. First of all, it is manmade, located in Egypt and connects the Mediterranean Sea with the Red Sea. It’s of pretty significant strategic value. But you could probably guess that. They don’t usually name crises after areas of no strategic importance. That is why there has never been a Duluth Crisis. And there probably never will be. Unless they discover oil in Minnesota. The Suez Canal has the misfortune of being located on the periphery of the Middle East. And we all know what a fun place to live in that is.

Like most canals with crises named after them, the Suez Canal was highly profitable. Remember this, it’s important later.

The big players in this crisis were:

• Egypt (headed up by one Gamel Abdel Nasser)
• The US (Who liked Ike at the time)
• Israel (recently created and spoiling for a fight)
• England (Insert witty but snide comment here)
• France (“Call us Cheese Eating Surrender Monkeys again and we shall spit in your vino, bonjour.”)

By this point, all of the Arab nations were pretty much in agreement that they thought that Israel was a bunch of douche bags and they wished that they would just go away already. Israel was all, “Don’t hate the player, hate the game…. biznitches.” No love lost there. The region was a tinderbox. Not the pleasant peaceful place that it is today (That last sentence was sarcastic, btw. Just in case you don’t ever read the newspaper). Egypt was all, “At least we have our sweet, sweet canal.”

In order to preserve some semblance of the area not going to either the Christian, Moslem or Jewish Hell in a proverbial hand-basket, Britain, France and the US had signed a tripartite (that’s just a fancy word for three-way, bow chicka bow bow) agreement to monitor the arms (the shooty kind, not the wavy kind) heading into the area and to try and maintain some semblance of a balance of power. A balance of power where Israel had many, many more weapons than Egypt. (“Eff you!” said Egypt, “where are your canals? Huh?”)

At some point, Nasser decided that canals were not enough and that the Israel was just a little too big and a little too well-equipped. So, he approached the US and said, “Hey man, can we buy some guns?” To which, the State Department replied, “Sure, but we don’t take credit, you broke ass mofo.” “Eff you!” said Nasser, “Russia takes credit! Maybe I’ll take my business over there.” And then he pantomimed walking over to Russia.

“Woah, woah, woah, let’s talk this over,” said the State Department, “I’m sure that we can work something out.”

“Too late,” said Nasser, “I got those idiots in Czechoslovakia to let me pay them in cotton. Suckahs!”

Blah blah blah, a bunch of fighting in the Middle East happens. Everyone skips over that section of the newspaper and turns to the comics. The US, France and England make a tidy profit by selling arms to all sides, still trying to maintain a balance of power. It’s all fun and games until someone wins the arms race. Or someone starts getting cozy with the Russians.

“Hey Russia,” said Nasser, “I like your hat. Have you lost weight? You should call me sometime.”

Around this time, Nasser was attempting to put together an ambitious dam project, the Aswan High Dam, to provide irrigation and electricity. It was projected to take twenty years and over a billion dollars to complete (triple those numbers if hiring the Big Dig contractors). Support was to come from the US and the World Bank. It’s probably not a good idea to piss off your biggest financiers by cozying up to their mortal enemy. The US said, “No YUO, you can kiss your funding goodbye. Why don’t you go hang out with that slut Russia if you love her so much. Maybe she’ll build you a dam. Hahahahahahahahahahaha.”

“Seriously USA,” said Nasser, “I mean this with all sincerity when I say efffffffff youuuuuuuuuuuuu.”

And, to back this up, Nasser seized the Suez Canal and nationalized it. Profits from the canal wouldn’t be enough to finance the Aswan dam project, but it was a start. Predictably, this completely pissed off the Western powers. We’re not used to people taking our stuff. Usually we’re the ones that go ahead and do the taking. Comparisons were made to Hitler taking the Rhineland. And, when you go and get yourself compared to Hitler, you know that you’ve done gone and pissed people off.

The major powers prepared for war. Britain cut off aid to Egypt. France practiced its withering glare. Excuses about the Egyptians not being able to handle the technical aspects of the canal were made. (Seriously? It’s a canal. It has water going through it. How hard can it be?) For once in its life, the US was reticent about the arguments for going in there and taking things over. Somebody please pinch me, the US said that an argument for the use of force to protect our interests wasn’t valid. I must be dreaming.

“Uh, guys?” Said the US, “It kindof is their canal. They can pretty much do whatever they want with it. Don’t make me look bad in front of the UN.”

Twenty-two countries got together to talk about how the canal should be run. Egypt refused to participate. “Look, it’s our canal,” they said, “I don’t see what you need to talk about.” Negotiations went on without them. Don’t you love it when a bunch of countries get together and decide what’s best for you without your input?

“You’re not the boss of me!” said Egypt. “If you want me, I’ll be in my room. With my canal.”

Efforts were made to work things out at the UN. Even Egypt begrudgingly went along with this. UN debate collapsed on Eisenhower’s birthday. Now that’s gotta sting. Kindof puts a bit of a pall on your birthday party, if you know what I mean. At least he got to finish his cake.

(This is the point where I realize that I’m only halfway through my story and my post is getting very, very long)

(I could keep you all after class, but you would probably ding me on the course evaluations)

(So, I’ll summarize the rest of the story as quickly as I can)

Basically, the talks at the UN broke down completely. Britain, France and Israel decided to go into Egypt on their own to “take back” the canal. Think of their combined force as the creepy uncle of the “Coalition of the Willing.” Meaning, Israel went in on its own and Britain and France were like “Oh, shit, guess we’d better get our butts in there.”

Khruschev seized the opportunity created by the fighting in the Middle East to crack down on protesting in Hungary by sending in tanks. And we all know that protesters and tanks go together like Keene State and National Guardsmen.

Eisenhower was like, “Shit, I can’t concentrate on two crises at once! They haven’t even invented Ritalin yet! And it’s an effing election year. Way to screw me over Great Britain and France. See if I have your backs next time some German goes and starts a World War.” At one point, during a phone call, Eisenhower made the British Prime Minister cry like a little girl. A man after my own heart.

Eisenhower finally succeeded in getting Israel, France and England out of Egypt (sortof). Russia said, “Shit, I guess that’s our cue.” and cleaned up their act in Hungary (sortof). Eisenhower got himself re-elected (no sortof about it). And everyone lived happily ever after. Until the next crisis. Which was not in Duluth.

Stay tuned for a brief history of the Korean War (see! we’re going backwards) and a light-hearted look at the war crimes of one Henry Kissinger.