Wow. Just wow. The Oscars are like 7,892 hours long. But, if you tivo them and then let band practice go through the first hour… Well, let’s just say that you are then free to skip Best Sound Editing, Best Film Editing, Best Short Film, Best Foreign Language Film… and 56 of the 57 montages (call me morbid, but I have a peverse fascination with the “People Who Bit it This Year”). That frees up 7,891 hours of the telecast and lets me see all the Jon Stewart funny bits. Oh, and to pause whenever I see an actress wearing a particularly ugly dress (Ummm? Charlize? That bow is bigger than your head. You need to fire your stylist. Maybe bitchslap them first). I love the Oscars. They bring out the cattiness in me.
My only regret is that they only had three songs nominated. And only two of them chose to go the “ridiculously bad interpretive dance” route. Honestly, Dolly Parton, don’t you think that your song would have been much better with some people miming along to the lyrics? Lord knows “It’s Hard Out Here for a Pimp” was brought to whole new levels with the addition of the Oscar-style dancing. Really. No, not really.
Luckily for my funny bone, the song from “Crash” had slow motion scenes galore. Fake snow, fires, people pulling other people out of fake cars. There was one guy who appeared to be attempting to put out one of the car fires with a steady stream of urine. Yeah, I had to rewind and show the guy peeing a couple more times. The Oscar nominated songs are amazing. Truly astounding. Next year I hope that they nominate 17.
Dammit. I’m back to live. And Tom Hanks just walked on stage.
