It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like Something

Pro Tip: If you’re looking to get yourself into the Christmas Spirit and you’re tired of all of the Christmas songs that you normally listen to? Don’t, for the love of all that is good and holy, click on the Jessica Simpson Christmas Album in Rhapsody. It will make you want to jab a rusty spork in your ears and then sell your soul to the Baby Satan.

Please don’t ask me how I know this.

It’s almost Christmas, which means that it’s that one time of the year when we pay somebody to clean our house so my family doesn’t think we’re a bunch of slovenly pigs. Which means that it’s also that one time of year where I’m afraid to touch anything in my own house, for fear that I’ll make it dirty. Our bathtub is white, people. White. Who knew? I had somehow managed to forget! It’s almost enough to make a girl avoid bathing, in order to preserve the shiny shininess. Which, of course, would be self defeating. I’d just end up dirtier and dirtier and it would eventually transfer onto other areas of our house that are also cleaner than they’ve ever been and ever will be.

Too bad it’s too cold to hose myself off in the backyard.

The nice thing about owning pets? They will manage to dirty up the house in ways that will leave me feeling guilt-free. Who coughed up the hairballs all over the upstairs hallway? Obviously, not me. And if it was Kristian, we really need to do something about his diet. Last year, I sat in our living room, gazing at our twinkling tree, getting high off of Pine-sol fumes and feeling, for a brief, shining moment, like it was really and truly nice to own our house. Then the cat puked in the front hallway. Then the dog lined up next to her and started puking as well. Then I yelled “This is why we can’t have nice things!” and went to get a rag to clean up after them.

A big and hearty thanks to the lovely woman who agreed, at the last minute, to come and clean for us. A big and hearty round of boos to Masters Home Services. I purchased a voucher to have them come and clean from BuyWithMe. Not only have they not come to clean my house, it’s been over a month since I first contacted them. I have yet to receive one email or phone call back from them. Even if they weren’t able to come and clean, they could have saved me a lot of aggravation if they’d just responded in November and told me. At this point, I just want my money back.

What have I been doing, if not cleaning my house? Well, first I was cleaning the house for the house cleaner. Because that makes perfect sense to me. Then? I was baking cookies. Then? I was cleaning up after the cookies. (What? I’m a messy baker). Then? I did my Christmas shopping, all of Kristian’s Christmas shopping and some of my Dad’s Christmas shopping. Somebody, please, take my credit card away. Even if I’m getting paid back, it could really use a rest. Maybe a nap in a dark room with a cold washcloth on its face. Come to think of it, I could use one of those as well.

Quick, somebody bring me a festive, holiday, coffee drink and a nap! Bonus points if you take all of those Christmas cookies out of my house so I stop eating them.

‘Tis the season for your pants to stop fitting properly.

Damn pants.

I never liked those pants.

Today is my last day at work before Christmas, which means that I’m finally getting into the Christmas Spirit. In order to share it with you all, here is this year’s holiday card:

It was surprisingly difficult to put together. I, apparently, have the self confidence of a young Cowardly Lion. It doesn’t help that I took about 45,672 photos of my sister Melissa’s adorable children this year and about 7 photos with me and/or Kristian in them. I didn’t like the way I look in any of them. I joked on Twitter that our card this year would consist of photos of Gracie and other people’s children. It would have been confusing but adorable. I just might make it happen next year.

I wanted to use this photo, but Kristian wouldn’t let me:

What? I think it pretty accurately captures our general essence, wouldn’t you say?

(Please don’t answer that).

Merry Christmas/Happy Holidays, everyone!