What *Not* to Say to a Pregnant Woman

Kristian and I went to a party this past Saturday. Which is pretty big news in and of itself. These days, I mostly use the weekends as an excuse to go to bed early and then sleep late. And I wonder why I never have anything to blog about…

Most of the people that I talked to were perfectly lovely about my pregnancy and said all sorts of nice things, but I had a couple of conversations that left me scratching my head pretty hard. Mostly in a who “who says that?!?” kind of a way. I mean, I’ve heard stories about people saying boneheaded and insensitive things to other pregnant ladies, but you almost can’t believe it until you hear it for yourself.

So, as a public service, I thought I’d remind y’all that there are some things that you just shouldn’t say to a pregnant woman. Such as…

Any statement about her appearance that isn’t vague and complimentary

The first head scratcher of the evening was the girl who proudly announced that she had spent a good friend’s pregnancy constantly remarking about how big said friend was getting. (Said friend later told her that she decidedly did not appreciate these comments). Which pretty much made my poor little head implode. Why (why?) would you tell a woman that she’s getting huge? You can talk all you want about the dangers of fat shaming and how we should all learn to love our bodies, but the truth of the matter is that we live in a society that is not exactly in favor of the idea of “getting all huge.” Add in the fact that a pregnant woman is hormonal, extra sensitive, worried about what pregnancy is going to do to her body and unable to fit into most of her regular clothes and it’s no small wonder that most women don’t exactly get excited when people tell them that they’re getting all big. Not to mention the fact that putting on too much weight is generally not great for the long term health of your baby and you might just be reminding her that her doctor gives her a hard time about her weight gain at every prenatal appointment.

On the flip side, telling someone that they’re “super tiny!” is not exactly safe either. Some women struggle to gain enough weight with their pregnancies. I am not one of those women, so feel free to tell me that I’m tiny until the cows come home. But for women who are struggling to gain weight, the adjective “tiny” doesn’t exactly feel complimentary.

Which leaves us with the aforementioned “vague and complimentary.” Safe sentences such as:

• You look adorable/great/fantastic!
• You’re glowing!
• Pregnancy really agrees with you!

And then? Quit while you’re ahead. Contrary to popular belief, pregnant women are perfectly happy to talk about topics unrelated to their pregnancies. Tell her you like her shoes and let the conversation continue from there.

Are you sure you should be eating/doing that?

I get it, it takes a village. People see a pregnant woman doing something that they think might be “bad for the baby” and they want to step in and say something. But you know what? The definition of “bad for the baby” is broad and ever-changing. And a lot of it is about what the individual woman feels comfortable with. For example, many women don’t eat cold cuts while they’re pregnant (listeria). My doctor said that it’s fine. And believe you me, if you try to get between me and an Italian sub these days, I will attempt to take a bite out of your arm.

The food item that someone gave me a hard time about at the party? I mentioned that my only pregnancy craving has been sugar cereal. Which, apparently, is tantamount to poisoning my unborn baby. What I wanted to say was “Are you my doctor? Are you a nutritionist? No? Then shut up before I take a bite out of your arm.” What I actually said was something along the lines of  “A good friend in nutrition school said that sugar cereal isn’t that bad. And I’m eating it instead of ice cream, so I think I’m doing pretty well.” Then he told me that I should be eating nothing but steak, at which point I realized that this conversation had nowhere to go but down and I changed the subject.

Even the classic “bad bad BAD” habits for pregnant ladies aren’t absolutes. Smoking? The stress of going cold turkey can be worse for your baby than the cigarettes themselves. Most women’s doctors tell them to cut down gradually during pregnancy. Drinking? Most doctors will tell you that a glass of wine every now and then is perfectly fine. Caffeine? The equivalent of two small cups of coffee is perfectly fine.

The guidelines, rules and recommendations are constantly changing. You might think that you’re watching a pregnant woman do something that’s “bad for the baby” but you might be working with information that’s years out of date. Even the current knowledge isn’t absolute. You can’t run a medical trial that involves pregnant women. It violates all sorts of medical ethics. So the data isn’t exactly definitive. Sometimes a pregnant woman just has to go with what she feels comfortable with. And it’s her body and her baby. Unless you are the baby’s father, leave her alone.

My wife’s sister’s cousin’s roommate had this really awful pregnancy experience. Let me tell you aaaaaall about it.

I would like to hope that this one goes without saying.

That’s all I have so far. Most people have been lovely and supportive, so I don’t really have a lot of first-hand knowledge to draw upon. I consider this to be a good thing.