The Waiting Game

I am still waiting to find out if I got into Grad School. This shouldn’t be a surprise, because their website clearly states that they will mail out decisions by April 1st. And it is very clearly not April 1st yet. It is barely even March 1st. And yet? I started obsessively checking their website in February to find out if they had posted their decision yet. Yes, you can find out if you got in to Grad School via the intarwebnets. And yes, I refresh the stupid site about ten times a day.

I figure that, if they said I would find out about Round One on January 1st, and I got the letter sometime around December 20th (thanks for ruining Christmas assholes!)…. well, then it can’t be a firm timetable, right?

So, I refresh. And refresh. And refresh. And walk home and look for envelopes and hope for packets. I’m assuming that grad school admissions works the same as undergraduate and I will get a big fat package if they let me in and small envelope of misery, shame and despair if they don’t. If that is the case, then it was really and truly cruel of them to send me a packet in mid-December. “Here are the admissions materials that you requested.” I didn’t request your packet. And I definitely didn’t request your false hope!

I’m slowly coming to the realization that I care more about this whole grad school thing than I am letting on. Yes, when I got rejection letter number one, I burst into tears, picked a fight with Kristian and then went for a good long walk. And sulked. There was a lot of sulking. But then I let myself get distracted by shiny Christmas presents and my step-brother’s NYE wedding. And then I pretended that I didn’t care, because it was Christmas Vacation and going back to school and taking out loans and living on just Kristian’s income is, frankly, terrifying. If I don’t go back to school, we can probably buy a house. And get married. And not eat ramen noodles for dinner every day.

But then… the spring semester started. And I started taking classes again (I’m taking individual classes in the hopes that I’ll get into the program). And I realized… damn. I missed this. I was only on break for a few weeks, but I missed this. I love being in school. I love learning. I love the readings, the papers, the tests, even the stress. I love all of it. I could even learn to love ramen noodles. Lord knows I love Kristian and I can wait for the house, the marriage, the babies.

So, I’m back to anxiously waiting for that letter. Refreshing that stupid website. Hoping to see that envelope sitting in my mailbox. Terrified to know what it actually says.

If I don’t get into grad school, the world won’t end. If I don’t get into grad school, I still have a ton of options. If I don’t get into grad school, I will suddenly have a lot more disposable income.

Let’s just hope that it doesn’t come to that.