Live Snarking the Oscars

It’s Oscar time again. Which can mean only one thing. Cleavage, crying and the winner of Best Set Design getting played off stage.

It also means that I’m doing another live blog. E! starts their coverage at 6pm, when the seat fillers, agents and various hangers on arrive. Let’s get this party started!

6:25pm Ryan Seacrest just accused Zoe Saldana of “not really acting” in Avatar. She looks like she wants to slap him. Don’t we all, Zoe. Don’t we all. Her dress looks an awful lot like a toilet paper cozy that my Nana once made.

6:29pm Does Ryan Seacrest’s douchiness know no bounds? Seriously. Giving Nicole Ritchie and Joel Madden shit about getting not married anytime soon. PA jabs and intrusive relationship questions that he’s already asked about a bazillion times. He’s like America’s drunk uncle at a telecast family party.

6:34pm I have nothing snarky to say about Ryan Reynolds because I’m too busy drooling. And Ryan Seacrest just called Sandra Bullock “A chick that’s like a dude,” so you know I want to get my snark on right about now.

6:35pm Tina Fey looks classically glamorous. I guess she got tired of all the shit she got for her dress at the Golden Globes. Well played Tina, well played.

6:38pm So help me God, I really, really, really want to force feed James Cameron’s wife a swammich. I think that her collarbones are going to give me night terrors.

6:40pm Poor Peter Sarsgaard. Nobody will sing Happy Birthday to him because of the royalties. Happy birthday to you. Happy Birthday to you. Your wife probably won’t win that Oscar. But happy birthday to youuuuuuu. I now owe an investor group twelve thousand dollars.

6:44pm Tom Ford is wearing…. Tom Ford. In other news, the sky is blue, the grass is green and I’m kindof a bitch.

6:48pm Sigourney Weaver is just stunning. And more than twice my age. I don’t know if I could look that good on a red carpet. Please excuse me while I weep silently into my keyboard. And order more moisturizer.

6:5opm Tina Fey is wearing Michael Kors. And she looks glorious. Bless that little orange man.

6:56pm Dear Sandra Bullock: I don’t care what that douchey le bag says about you. Your only resemblance to any sort of dude is maybe the Oscar statuette. Which I hope that you will be holding later.

6:58pm Diane Kruger looks fabulous from her boobs up. From her boobs down? Let’s just say she could hang out with Zoe Saldana in the “hall of toilet paper cozies that my Nana has crocheted.” Apparently it’s going to be quite the party there this year.

6:58-7:06pm I kindof spaced out for a few minutes there. There is only so much Ryan Seacrest that a girl can take without desiring to stab her own eyes out with a spork. I need to leave some gas in the tank for the rest of the pretty dresses.

7:06pm Miley Cyrus is like 10-15 years younger than me. And yet? She kindof looks a little like a woman who has been working at the same diner. For the past 50 years. How is this even possible? I blame the orange skin. And the crazy big hair. Miley says she wants to be “Marilyn Monroe-esque” today. If by Marilyn Monroe-esque she means Bride of Frankenstein-esque, then mission accomplished.

7:13pm Dear Amanda Banks. Bigger sizes. They’re ok. Nobody can see the label. It’s really ok. It’ll be a little secret between you and your stylist. You pay her enough. Girlfriend can keep a secret.

7:16pm What, exactly, does Sarah Jessica Parker have on the back of her head? My head says it’s her hair, but my heart says it’s several french crullers.

7:19pm Are the folks at E! contractually obligated to say something nice about everyone’s dresses? They love Charlize Theron’s dress. I think it makes it look like someone is groping her from behind. They loved Amanda Seyfried’s dress. I thought it looked like something from last week’s Project Runway where they made clothes from hardware store items. Or maybe I’ve been a homeowner for so long that everything now looks like drywall screen to me.

(I keep spacing out. Someone needs to get me some snacks. And by someone I mean me. Possibly Kristian. Maybe the cats. Probably not the dog.)

7:32pm Jay Manuel and I can agree on one thing. Queen Latifah looks fabulous.

7:33pm What in the H – E – Double Hell Noes is J-Lo wearing? She looks like one of my Nana’s toilet paper cozies… on acid. Jay and Juliet think it’s gorgeous. I think maybe they’re on acid, too. The brown kind that they warned us all about at Woodstock.

7:39pm Gabourey Sidibe looks awesome. Even if she did refer to herself as a money shot. She looks better than a whole bunch of actresses who are literally half her size. Hells yeah.

7:45pm L’Oreal’s new “roll-on” makeup kindof scares me. Why would I want to apply makeup with a tool that looks suspiciously like something that I use to apply paint to the walls of my house? Note to L’Oreal advertising people: painting on ones face is not normally considered to be a good thing.

7:48pm I’m thinking that Meryl Streep might have made a deal with the devil. She joins Sigourney Weaver in the pantheon of “older stars who look way better than me and kindof make me want to cry.” Sob. Someone please get me chocolate. And some more moisturizer. Let’s be honest, someone please get me some botox and a personal trainer, personal chef, personal masseuse, personal aesthetician and a hyperbaric chamber. Note to self: nobody pays you to look gorgeous. Remember: you get to eat swammiches.

7:58pm Why does Cameron Diaz always get invited to the Oscars? Has she ever been in anything Oscar-worthy? I think it’s just so we can all chuckle at the crazy stuff that she always seems to turn up in. Except for this year. When she actually looks kindof cute. I bet she doesn’t get an invite next year.

8:01pm It’s official telecast time! Well, official red carpet time. They’re lining up all of the major nominees together. I can’t be the only person who is (not so secretly) hoping for a bitch fight. Too bad these ladies are all such good *ahem* actresses. There will be no hair pulling. I can only weep.

8:04pm Talking about your commitment issues? In front of your girlfriend? Is a really great way to find yourself on the express bus to Celibacy Town, George Clooney. Oh wait, you’re George Clooney.

8:05pm Sandra Bullock is waxing poetic about getting to eat when the Oscars are over. Her dream meal? Sounds an awful lot like what I ate after my half marathon. I  knew I loved her for a reason. Dear Sandra: you and I are two peas in the same pod. If by same pod you mean, completely different pods. As I am not a famous actress, beloved the world round. I do, however, enjoy eating fries and drinking milkshakes. Based on this, I think that we should be best friends. Forever. I look forward to your restraining order.

8:10pm Helen Mirren. Helen Mirren. Please join Meryl Streep and Sigourney Weaver. I’ve run out of moisturizer jokes.

I hit pause and then went to get dinner. No more time stamps. I know that you are all now weeping.

Miley Cyrus: Stand up straight. For the love of God, stand up straight.

How much fun would it be to be one of the red carpet interviewers and just totally fuck with people? The stars are expecting you to ask something trite like “how would it feel to win an Oscar?” And you could come out of left field and ask something completely non-fluffy. Ask Sean Penn when he stopped beating his wife. Ask Zac Effron why High School: the Musical sucks so badly. Ask James Cameron’s wife if he’s really as much of a bastard in real life as everyone says. This is why I’m not a red carpet personality.

And it’s telecast time…

(updates will probably be sporadic)

(polite applause is just not as humorous as ugly dresses)

(please, contain your weeping)

Squee! Neil Patrick Harris! He’s singing! And so sparkly! And surrounded by show girls? I’m confused. I think they’re trying to prove that Proposition 8 doesn’t make California any less gay. Bravo, NPH. Bravo.

What do you call a monologue when there are only two people on stage? A duologue?

Who doesn’t love a good Hitler joke? Answer: George Clooney. Little known fact. George Clooney doesn’t love any jokes. George Clooney hates all jokes. Jokes killed George Clooney’s grandmother.

George Clooney almost cracked a smile just now. But then he thought better of it.

So far, I am 2 for 2 on my Oscar predictions. I don’t expect this to last. Unless I hit pause, walk away, avoid the internet and go “la la la I can’t hear you!” if anyone tries to talk about them.

Ben Stiller dressed like a character from Avatar? I can’t remember the last time I was so amused by the award for Best Makeup. In fact, I can’t remember ever being amused by the award for Best Makeup.

I’m assuming that Sapphire had it written into her contract that nobody could say “Precious” without following it up with “Based on the novel Push by Sapphire.” The guy who wrote the screenplay based on that novel didn’t thank her in his speech. I wonder if this means she gets his first born child. Or his soul.

Mo’Nique wins Best Supporting Actress! I wish I had something original to say about this. But everyone has been talking about how she was a shoo-in. So it’s pretty much all been said. I definitely don’t include me in everyone, because I haven’t seen the movie. Yet. We also haven’t seen Avatar. I really need to get out more.

Just once in my life, I would like to see teams that have won an Oscar physically fight each other over who gets a turn at the microphone. It’s not that I’m a fan of violence. I just think that the big guy in the back that doesn’t get to say anything could totally take them.

SJP now has a frizzy cruller on her head. And she’s wearing one of my great-aunt’s nighties. Backwards. Presenter irony WIN.

I can’t tell if the Best Costume winner is super awesome or super bitchy. I’m gonna go with a little bit of both. I guess after your third Oscar, you tend to get a little jaded.

If Kristen Stewart was a better actress, she’d make people think that she actually enjoys herself. Or his capable of smiling.

Is it jut me or does the horror montage have a distinct lack of Hitchcock movies? A travesty. A complete travesty. Or are thrillers not horror movies? All I know is that they all scare me. Heck. The Fluffy Little Bunnies Enjoy the Sunshine in Happy Town would probably scare me. Am fraidy cat.

Could someone please explain the difference between sound mixing and sound editing? As a musician, I’m embarrassed that I even need to ask this.

Is it just me or is it always the people who win the non-marquee awards that talk the longest?

I am battling the dueling desires to tear up at the dead people montage and to punch James Taylor in the face. People died and it’s sad. But James Taylor is a tool and that makes me angry.

It wouldn’t be an Oscars telecast without at least one random, superfluous dance number. At least it made sense when it was the nominated songs. But, really, who dances to the soundtrack from the Hurt Locker? I do like that the main dancer looks like my Uncle Artie. If I had an Uncle Artie. … And cut to the audience reaction shot where everyone pretends that they weren’t just napping.

I should be a seat filler at the Oscars. My main qualifications? I can fill a whole seat. And I’m really good at applauding.

If Avatar and the Hurt Locker end up winning the same number of Oscars, it’s because Kathryn Bigelow and James Cameron agreed to divide their assets 50-50 in the divorce agreement. Is anyone surprised that Avatar is winning all of the technical awards? Even people living in caves know that Avatar was going to win all of the technical awards. Says the girl who never saw Avatar. I think I might be the last person on Earth who hasn’t seen Avatar. Including cave people. Yes, I am running out of jokes. And also getting sleeeeeepy. The Oscars are always so looooong. I think that my eeeeeee and ooooooo keys might be broooookeeeeeeeeeeen.

You might have an Oscar now, Fisher Stevens, but to me you’ll always be George Minkowski on Lost. Sorry.

Dancing with the Stars confuses me. Buzz Aldrin is definitely a star. I mean, the man walked on the moon. There’s an astronomy joke in there somewhere. After googling Jake Pavelka, I’m still not sure who he is. You’d think if they can get an astronaut, they could get some better stars. Or am I just confused because I don’t read US Weekly anymore?

Quentin Tarantino is one creepy looking dude. Do they have to pass out photos of him around the Kodak Theater letting people know that he will be in the area?

Did George Clooney just crack a smile? He’s probably thinking about how happy he is that the telecast will be over in half an hour.

Why is Kate Winslet wearing a bridesmaids dress?

Jeff Bridges is either really excited or really high. Possibly both. I think that Oscar really ties his career together.

Sandra Bullock would have earned another Oscar if she had managed to actually look surprised about winning this award. Props to her for giving props to all of the other actresses. This is one hell of a speech. Although I think she just pulled a Hillary Swank and forgot to thank her husband.

Apparently Kathryn Bigelow had a better divorce attorney than James Cameron.

I only saw a few of the movies nominated for Best Picture (the Hurt Locker, District 9 and Inglourious Basterds). But I’m really glad that the Hurt Locker won. A great movie. You should all go out and see it.

On that note. Bed time!