Damn It Feels Good to be a Cat Sitter (The Neighborhood Watch is Insane!)

A friend of ours asked us to feed his cat over the weekend. Kristian, ever the sucker kind soul, agreed to stop by on Sunday Night. “By the way,” our friend said, “watch out for my neighbor. He’s a little crazy.”

Famous last words, my friends.

Famous last words.

I should have realized that someone who is referred to as “a little crazy” by someone who could very easily be described as “a complete and utter character” is probably going to be more than a little crazy.

Famous last words, my friends.

Famous last words.

Kristian set off on his cat-sitting mission all on his lonesome. Why? Because I was already in my pajamas. And it was cold out. And I’m kindof a selfish person.

Things were going well. Kristian successfully navigated his way into Lynn without getting carjacked. The spare key was where it was supposed to be. The cat hadn’t died of starvation or ennui. And then….

…. the neighbor showed up.

The following is partially paraphrased, partially made up and probably more than a little bit embellished. What can I say? I like to leave a story better than I found it. But the basic facts and situation are all true. For realsies.

Crazy Neighbor Man: “CAN I HELP YOU?!?!” (this is crazy neighbor speak for “what the fuck are you doing here?”
Kristian: I’m just feeding the cat.
CNM: Well, I already got you on camera. And wrote your license plate number down.
K: It’s good to have neighbors like you looking out!
CNM: Good thing you weren’t breaking in. I was about to get my dog. And my gun.
K: Hahahaha.
CNM: No, seriously, I was going to bring the heat.

(That line is absolutely, totally, 100% true, at least as far as I know from what Kristian told me)

Kristian resisted the urge to pee himself in terror and instead made  a polite (and safe!) getaway. I am happy to report that he was neither shot by an overzealous neighborhood watcher nor mauled to death by a vicious attack dog. He also wasn’t abducted by aliens or taken out by the mob. Please, rest yourselves at ease. I know that you worry.

Moral of the story? Think long and hard about volunteering to cat sit for people who live in places with rhymes like:

Lynn, Lynn, the city of sin. You’ll never come out the way you went in.

How could you shoot this face?