Yet More People Who Suck

For the purposes of this here rant, let’s all just go ahead and assume that I bought something that is both a) expensive and 2) embarrassing. So, we’ll call it a widget. A very, very expensive widget. That wouldn’t have actually embarrassed anyone else buying it who wasn’t me.

So, no, it was not a Swedish-Made Penis Enlarger.

Dear Seller:

When I paid you oodles of money for my widget last week, it was with the understanding that you would take my money and then MAIL ME MY WIDGET. Instead, what you did was take my money and then SIT AROUND DOING NOTHING. I assume that eating bon-bons was involved. As you live in Florida, I’m gonna go ahead and assume that palm fronds were involved as well.

I shouldn’t have to ask you for a tracking number. I shouldn’t be receiving my widget THREE DAYS after a very generous shipping estimate. I have no recourse, because it’s just an “estimate,” but you’re still a BIG FAT DOODY HEAD.

Sincerely Yours,
Widget-less

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Dear UPS,

I know you have my widget. I know that it is currently in Rhode Island and that it will be at the depot IN MY HOME TOWN later tonight. I also know that you will not deliver my widget on a Saturday. Normally, I would be ok with waiting until Monday. But, you see, on Monday I will be in another state. Not just that, I will be in a completely different time zone. So I will not be home to sign for my widget. And I will not have the satisfaction of playing with my precious.

I thought that it was rather reasonable to ask if I could pick up my widget at the depot tomorrow. You’ll be open, after all. And it will be just sitting there, forlornly, waiting for me. It’s quite nice of me, UPS, to save you a trip like that. I’m really quite generous, when I put my mind to it.

Unfortunately, I have been told by a rather unhelpful CSR that I will not be allowed to pick up my widget at your depot tomorrow. Why is this? Because you haven’t attempted to deliver it to me yet. What difference does this make? Nobody can give me any answer besides, “policy.”

Stupid policies, UPS, is what killed the dinosaurs off. And sunk the Titanic.

If you had attempted to deliver my package to me today, UPS, I could pick it up tomorrow. But, because no delivery attempt will have been made as of tomorrow, I could walk right into your depot with seven forms of ID and cookies for everyone working there and I would still be turned away empty-handed. Even if my widget was sitting right there on the counter.

You’re missing out, UPS, because those cookies would have been delicious.

I tweeted about my unhappiness with this situation. And received a rather condescending response from some guy who apparently gets paid to read everything on twitter that uses the #UPS hashtag. When I further explained the situation, he was remarkably quiet. Even he had no good explanation for their ridiculously stupid policy.

My inner child is oh so very tempted to start tweeting “boobs boobs boobs #ups boobs boobs boobs boobs boobs boobs #ups boobs boobs boobs boobs boobs boobs #ups boobs boobs boobs” just to fuck with poor Mike. But I’m a better person than that. I swear.

Plus, I have no wish to be banned for spamming.

So, I will leave for my trip on Sunday, sans widget. And I shall shed a single, solitary tear.

Dinosaurs, UPS. Mother loving dinosaurs.

Smooches,
Next Time I Use Fed-Ex

Perhaps I should have asked for a supervisor instead of getting angry and hanging up on the CSR. But then you all would have been denied the beauty and splendor that is my righteous indignation. And what kind of a world would that be?

Update: Mike pretty much just admitted that their policy sucks.