Live Blogging the Oscars – Ceremony Edition

8:30pm: Here is our host. And he is looking gooood. I somehow doubt that he could be as good as Jon Stewart. But you never know.

8:33pm: Ok, I think that he might be channeling the spirit of Billy Crystal. At least a little bit. And the “cheap” props are so great.

8:35pm: Oh, Anne Hathaway, thank you for changing outfits. 

8:37pm: It’s ok, Hugh Jackman, I haven’t seen The Reader either.

8:39pm: Philip Seymour Hoffman is still wearing that fugly, fugly hat. I would pay the woman sitting next him $5 to take it off of his head and throw it as far away from him as possible.

8:40pm: The first steroid joke. And our first montage. It’s gonna be a looooong night. Good thing I’m taking tomorrow off from work.

8:42pm: Five actresses reading nominations means five ugly outfits to laugh at. That’s a lie. I don’t look half as good at 27 as Goldie Hawn looks at like 100. And I love Angelica Huston so much that I could never say anything mean about her. But Whoopie, seriously, that dress is not doing so much for you.

8:46pm: Ok, I take it back, Goldie Hawn. I’m really scared that you’re going to go all Janet Jackson on us. Also, I miss getting to see clips from the nominated movies.

8:47pm: Congratulations to Penelope Cruz. I am always totally charmed by people who get overwhelmed by the fact that they won.

8:53pm: Tina Fey and Steve Martin. A winning combination. And a Scientology joke. More, please. MOAR.

8:56pm: Hooray for Milk. It does a body good. This acceptance speech is making me cry. Yeah, yeah, it’s ridiculously easy to do. But, seriously, you tell them!

9:03pm: Jennifer Aniston is looking good. I bet she’s all, Angie, in yo’ face. You might have Brad, but I don’t look like I bought my dress at Hot Topic.

9:06pm: Go Wall-E! I love that little robot. I refuse to admit that I only saw the movie for the first time on Friday.

9:17pm: I have a coworker who said he’d bring in muffins if Benjamin Button went 0-13. Once again, I am glad to not be working tomorrow. So that I can’t be reminded of the fact that there could have been muffins but Art Direction had to go and ruin it all.

9:19pm: I would like Sarah Jessica Parker’s dress a whole lot more if her boobs weren’t obviously trying to escape it posthaste. They must know something that we don’t.

9:24pm: Benjamin Button just won its second Oscar. I just decided to make my own muffins tomorrow morning.

9:27pm: A completely gratuitous montage. “This is what romance looked like in 2008.” But I’m still loving it. Especially the robot kiss. Hooray for robots. We won’t talk about the inclusion of High School Musical something like 17,852.

9:31pm: This whole “they make movies” meme is getting really old. Really.

9:32pm: Ben Stiller as Joaquin Phoenix is spot on. Right down to the gum. 

9:35pm: Slumdog Millionaire just won best Cinematography. I guess they’re not winning Best Picture. Too bad. On a positive note, Benjamin Button just went 2-4. And I just realized that we have frozen muffins that I can bake up tomorrow.

9:38pm: What in the hell is Jessica Biel wearing? I believe that it’s a very expensive napkin. Also, from the looks of her hair, she had a quickie in the bathroom before presenting. Yes, I’m feeling bitchy again.

9:46pm: I’m confused. The writing said comedy. But those movies weren’t funny. Perhaps I missed something when I went to the kitchen to get a drink.

9:52pm: Oh, I really hope that Hugh Jackman does a dance number in one of the costumes from Mamma Mia. You know, the sparkly jumpsuits. But I am loving the little taste of old Hollywood Glamour. 

9:53pm: You know what I’m not loving? Beyonce. Although I imagine that goes without saying.

9:54pm: I’m also totally unclear about the point of this little number. They’re singing songs. From old musicals. Musicals that did not come out in 2008. And it’s not really all that entertaining. Because, you know, the Oscar telecast is never far too long or anything. 

9:55pm: And it’s the two dingbats from High School Musical. I officially hate this segment. And all of its participants. Even Hugh Jackman in a sparkly jumpsuit couldn’t redeem this. 

9:56pm: I just realized that they were interspersing the current nominees with past winners. Am smart. Also, still full of hate. Because that was still totally lame.

9:58pm: Zach Effron needs to wash his hair. Or hide it under Philip Seymour Hoffman’s hat. I would make a hat exception in this special case. You know, if he’s going to refuse to lather and rinse, let alone repeat.

10:03pm: My god. The hat. That hat. Dirty, nasty little hat. We hates it. Oh, and there are a bunch of former winners of Best Supporting Actor onstage. I like the little speeches, but I want to see some clips!

10:06pm: Shaft jokes. Always good for a few laughs.

10:07pm: I want Christopher Walken to threaten to stab someone in the face with a soldering iron. Or demand more cowbell.

10:08pm: Heath Ledger wins for Dark Knight. Has anyone won a posthumous Oscar before? Google says yes. Sidney Howard, Larry Russell, Raymond Rausch and Howard Ashman. What a bittersweet moment for his family. No snark here, just a moment of reflection.

10:14pm: Note to Bill Mahr. You’re not funny.

10:17pm: Note to Phillip Petite. Thumbs up for magic tricks. And balancing your Oscar on your chin. Way to keep Best Documentary Film interesting. (Note to my sister. I am not disparaging documentaries. Honest.)

10:23pm: I hesitate to call the technical awards filler, because the technical stuff is so important. But, well, this part of the telecast is usually pretty boring. I’m gonna rest my eyes for a minute.

I should say something about Jerry Lewis. But I kindof think that he’s a sexist douche. So, I won’t.

10:53pm: Zach Effron is back. And he still looks greasy. I should hire someone to attack him with a hose. I’m not entirely sure why Alicia Keys is presenting, but I love her dress and I love the color. Her eye makeup? Not so much. It makes her eyes look funny.

10:56pm: Oh look, it’s a dance number. But it’s a Bollywood number. So, I’m liking it. One of the dancers has a lower back tat. And she’s white. That amuses me. It’s getting late. I’m easily amused.

11:00pm: Pink spandex. A disturbing sight.

11:011pm: Ok, so that previous musical number was not of nominated songs. So, I stand by my previous assertion that it was completely and utterly pointless.

11:10pm: Oh boy, it’s the annual death montage. Is it just me, or does it seem like this year’s telecast is especially heart-felt? People seem to be really speaking from the heart. On a purely shallow note, the color of Queen Latifah’s dress is, ahem, to die for.

11:18pm: Is it just me or has Hugh Jackson been like the absentee host this year? I feel like he disappeared for like a year and a half. Also, I like Renee Witherspoon’s dress. A lot. 

11:20pm: Danny Boyle, I love you. And your Tigger impression.

11:26pm: Marion Cotillard’s dress is so beautiful, I want to have its babies. Its beautiful, sparkly babies.

11:29pm: AAAAAAaaaahhhhhHHHHAaaaaaahhhhhHHHHHH!!!!! Sophia Loren’s face is going to give me nightmares tonight. Somebody hold me, I’m scared.

11:33pm: Kate Winslet is genuinely touched by her win. And totally adorable about it. Awesome.

11:37pm: When I was little, I would get to stay up later than usual to watch the Oscars. But never late enough to see the major awards. Now that I’m grown and get to set my own bedtime, I don’t have to go to bed before Best Actor/Actress/Director/Film. I think that it’s sheer stubbornness that has kept me up this late.

11:40pm: Someone get Adrien Brody a sammich. Or, as my nephew would say, a swammich.

11:43pm: Hooray for Sean Penn. I’ve always thought that he was one of the greatest actors of our time. Also, apparently, one of the most self-deprecating.

11:45pm: I think that this is the Gay Rights Oscars. And I couldn’t be happier. 

11:53pm: It’s everyone from Slumdog Millionaire! And they have the little kids up on milk crates. Color me enchanted. Also, my ovaries suddenly hurt.

11:56pm: That’s a wrap. Phew! I think I just made a significant contribution to my ass groove.