Live Blogging the Oscars – Red Carpet Edition

I’ve decided to live blog the Oscars this year (that should keep me awake long enough to see the whole show). So, stay tuned for me getting my snark on.

Oh boy, the red carpet show starts on E! in about two minutes. Of course, due to our crappy economy, things are apparently going to be toned down this year. We should all do our part, I suppose. But I feel that it should be the celebs’ part to wear totally outrageous outfits and distract us from our crappy economy. 

Also, we don’t get E! in HD. This makes me a sad panda. 

6:02pm: They are showing little pictures of all the best actor nominees for this year. Most of them have the most atrocious mustaches going on. Apparently, in order to be nominated this year, you have to grow facial hair that would make Admiral Burnside run for the nearest razor. 

6:03pm: Nicole Ritchie is apparently pregnant with her second child. I almost managed to make myself feel interested about this. Almost.

6:04pm: OMG BRANGELINA AND JENNIFER ANISTON ARE GOING TO BE HERE AT THE SAME TIME. I think it’s cute how the announcers almost managed to fool us all into thinking that they give a rat’s ass about this manufactured drama. Although, I must admit, I would throughly enjoy watching Jen and Angie unleash their talons and go for each other’s faces. If only to get John Mayer involved. I would really love to see Brad Pitt head butt him.

6:08pm: Miley Cirus is wearing a cute dress, but she looks awkward as all hell. Also, I’m not entirely sure how she got an invite. She’s not presenting and she doesn’t do any real acting. And, I feel terrible for saying this, but her mom looks a bit like a skeleton. A horse skeleton. Ok, maybe I don’t feel so terrible.

6:11pm: Jay from ANTM is here. And his (white) hair matches his (white) tuxedo. Ick.

6:12pm: Apparently all of the interested celebrities all decided to sleep in. Because they’ve been reduced to showing clips from previous awards shows.

6:22pm: …. And I just spaced out for a few minutes there. I blame it all on the commercial breaks being too long.

6:25pm: Apparently, if I hit the thumbs up button my tivo, Dominos will deliver a pizza to me. This could be very dangerous… if I didn’t think that Dominos was total swill. Now, if I could hit the thumbs up button and have the delicious little local pizza store down the street deliver, I would be in some serious trouble. Mostly in the waistline department

6:29pm: E! is hyping the results of their prediction poll. As if the results of a bunch of people sending E! text messages actually meant something.

6:30pm: Jennifer Grey looks like someone went a little botox happy on her face. Frankly, it’s a little disconcerting. For the first time in this telecast, I am glad to be watching in standard definition.

6:32: Note to Vanessa Hudgens: you’re not supposed to refer to yourself as “a young Audrey Hepburn.” Saying so pretty much invalidates all possible claims to Audrey Hepburn-like status. 

6:36pm: I love Kevin Kline. So much. Especially when he is making fun of Ryan Seacrest.

6:38pm: They’re going on and on about how past winners will be announcing nominees on stage this year. Apparently this is big news. Apparently I should just stop watching E! every year. Because I never can bring myself to care about anything that they have to say.

6:43pm: I’m kindof bitchy tonight, huh?

6:45pm: Ryan Seacrest just attempted to interview a young actor from Slumdog Millionaire. Who doesn’t speak english. ROL.

6:46: Hey, E! You couldn’t find a better picture of Meryl Streep? She looks like a bloated librarian. And Meryl Streep is no bloated librarian. 

6:48pm: Seeing people talk about a bunch of movies that I still haven’t seen makes me think that maybe I should have watched some films that were a little more highbrow than “Zach and Miri Make a Porno.”

6:50pm: What in the hell is a “glamastrator?” It sounds like a Cosmo-approved torture device. Much like eyelash curlers. I guess that it allows Jay to go all John Madden on hapless starlets’ dresses. I really don’t feel that “statement jewelry” really needs to have squiggles drawn all over it. 

6:52pm: Dev Patel has the world’s cutest ears. I just want to pinch his cheeks.

6:55pm: Robert Pattinson must have some sort of contractual obligation to wear spf 5000 at all times. Because he’s about as pale as an actual vampire.

6:56pm: Ryan Seacrest just referred to Danny Boyle as “another man of the hour.” Can you have multiple men of an hour? I thought that the point was that you are the man of the hour. Now my head hurts. Ryan Seacrest should come with a disclaimer to keep a bottle of Advil on hand.

6:59pm: Viola Davis looks absolutely stunning. See? I am occasionally capable of being nice. Occasionally.

7:00pm: Ok, this “glamastrator” thing is seriously bugging me. I keep expecting Jay to start going on and on about Brett Favre. 

7:01pm: Ryan Seacrest jut brought up Taraji P. Henson‘s dead father and almost made her cry. Good job there, Ryan.

7:03pm: Amy Adams looks absolutely amazing. Even if her dress is the exact same shade of red as the carpet that she’s standing on.

7:05pm: Heidi Klum has apparently been “sitting on one butt cheek” all night. I can’t decide if that is TMI or somewhat alluring.

7:11pm: In solidarity with all of the actresses who haven’t eaten anything in two weeks to prepare for the red carpet, Kristian and I are eating salad for dinner.

7:13pm: Amanda Seyfried can’t disguise her contempt for Ryan Seacrest. It kindof makes me love her a little. Even if she was totally awkward in Mamma Mia.

7:17pm: Still not understanding the Robert Pattinson hysteria. Especially now that he has chin pubes.

7:18pm: Matthew Broderick looks like he would rather have a root canal, sans anesthesia, than to stand next to Sarah Jessica Parker and listen to her talk about another Sex in the City movie.

7:20pm: Seth Rogan has lost a shit ton of weight. And he’s looking unf-tastic.

7:21: Oh, Rachel Hathaway, monochromatic is not a good look for you. I’m pretty sure that, when you glow in the dark, silver dresses are pretty much out. I’m disappointed. Usually her red carpet looks make me want to go all Single White Female on her. And I mean that in the least creepy way possible.

7:26pm: I must admit to a slight girl crush on Marrissa Tomei. Even if I’m still not sure why she won that Oscar for “My Cousin Vinny.”

7:27pm: Sweet mother of god! What happened to Sophia Loren?!?! She looks like the leathery lady from “Something About Mary.”

7:28pm: Mickey Rourke’s outfit just screams “I’m trying too hard!” Even if he does look more put together than Johhny Depp usually does…. And Ryan Seacrest just brought up his poor, dead dog. Ryan’s really squeezing lemon juice into some wounds tonight.

7:31pm: Queen Latifah looks fab. I think that I’m a lot more entertaining when I’m being mean. 

7:33pm: It’s official. I hate Jay Manuel. I’ve never seen anyone get all condescending with his audience over paillettes. It’s like he was mortally offended that some people (like, say, me) might not know what they are. Whatever, all the paillettes in the world wouldn’t make Anne Hathaway look less like Casper the Friendly Ghost in that color.

7:42pm: If I was Philip Seymour Hoffman’s mom, I would make him take off that hat. And yell at him that I didn’t raise him to wear skull caps with tuxedos.

7:45pm: In fifteen minutes, I can switch away from E! and to ABC. In HD. I can’t. Fricking. Wait.

7:51pm: Tilda Swinton’s top makes Anne Hathaway look downright colorful. It’s official. I hate beige.

7:57pm: I switched the channel just in time to watch Hugh Jackman give Barbara Walters a lap dance. I can now die in peace.

8:00pm: It’s Tim Gunn! What better to get Ryan Seacrest and Jay Manuel out of my head.

8:03pm: In HD, I now officially don’t hate Amy Adams’ dress. The dress does not match the carpet.

8:12pm: It’s official. I completely and utterly hate Zach Effron and Vanessa Hudgens. Well, his hair and her dress, at least.

8:13pm: How did Robert Downey Jr. get an Oscar nomination for Tropic Thunder? There’s a Marrissa Tomei joke in there somewhere.

8:15pm: Tim Gunn just gushed over Anne Hathaway’s dress. Oh, Tim. How could you let me down like this?

8:19pm: The ceremony hasn’t started yet, and we’re already getting montages. This might be a long night. Although montages about accountants are kindof awesome.

8:27pm: Ok, the ceremony is about to start. Time for a new post, I suppose.