(Why, yes. I did flame out of NaBloPoMo last week. Whoops.)
I went back to work last week after three months of maternity leave. I was expecting it to be really and truly awful (and it was definitely hard to leave my precious baby behind), but it ended up being better than I thought it would. I didn’t even need to use the emergency stash of makeup that I packed in case of sudden onset bathroom crying.
In some ways, it felt like I never left. I was pleasantly surprised at how well I picked up where I left off. And it sure was nice to do things like start a task and then fix it without having to stop to change a diaper. And eat lunch with two hands.
(You really can’t underestimate how awesome it is to do things with two hands).
My biggest problem (aside from the fact that around 2pm I start jonesing to see my little sweet pea like you would not believe), is that Lilian has stopped sleeping through the night. She used to go to sleep around 10pm, wake up around 5am for a snack, and then get up for good around 7:30am. Now, she still stays up until 10pm or so, but she’s up a few times demanding to be fed. And I have to be up by 5:30am in order to get to work.
I am… not very well rested.
I know it’s because she’s eating less during the day, so she needs to make up for it at night. It’s called reverse cycling and it’s super common among breastfed babies who go to daycare. They eat just enough to take the edge off and then get the majority of their calories at home. I should take it as a compliment that she prefers me over a bottle, but I’m just too tired. Like, bone-weary tired. Like, my brother-in-law had to drive my car home on Saturday because everybody we were with recoiled in horror at the thought of me behind the wheel tired. Like, I would give a kidney (possibly both!) for a full night of sleep tired.
The other day, I had a slight tummy ache and ended up having this elaborate fantasy that maybe it was appendicitis. Because, you see, if I had my appendix out, they would have to let me sleep at the hospital. This is when you know that you’re tired. When you fantasize about having major surgery because it would mean that might actually get some rest.
I did a little bit of online research, but the gist of people’s advice was basically “suck it up, cupcake” with a smattering of “don’t even think about giving your baby formula unless you want to poison her.” There were a lot of warnings about how supplementing can make your supply go down, which will just make the problem worse. I am aware of the fact that breast is generally best, but I could also use some practical advice about how to make this work. Advice that doesn’t involve a bunch of unrealistic options. Because all of these women online seem to think that it’s trivial to extend your maternity leave so that you can keep breastfeeding (we’d lose our health insurance and we need my paycheck to do things like pay the mortgage). Or that you can somehow magically feed your kid yourself on your lunch break (I couldn’t even drive to daycare and back within a lunch hour, let alone feed Lilian). Or maybe I’m just supposed to be so happy about being an earth mother that I forget that I’m subsisting on three chunks of two hours of sleep every night?
I ordered some extra bottles so that I don’t have to spend quite so much time doing dishes every night. And we are going to attempt to gradually move her bedtime up so that I can go to bed a little earlier. Other than that, I’m honestly not sure about what I can do. I will attempt to pump more in the hopes that she’ll eat it all at daycare. But you know what else makes your supply go down? Sleep deprivation. And caffeine.
Before I went back to work, I told myself that it was OK if I couldn’t keep breastfeeding Lilian exclusively. I already gave her three months, which is no small accomplishment. But I’m too darn stubborn to give up just yet. Especially since there isn’t anything physically stopping me from doing it. But, at some point, I’m going to say uncle. I can still keep breastfeeding, it just doesn’t have to be exclusive. I wish that there was a resource out there that could help me find the best way to do that.
I don’t have any resources, but I give e-hugs. Olivia slept a wonderful 8 hour stretch at night when was 3 or 4 months old, but then she started waking up in the middle of the night again and kept doing it. I am very familiar with the sleep deprivation, it sucks, and I feel for you mama.
I remember when O was about that age, she wasn’t a napper, and her ped said she was sleeping that long stretch at night in place of her daytime naps. I don’t know what Lilian’s naps were like at home, but maybe a change in nap schedule could have something to do with it?
Ok, first of all, MAJOR hugs. It’s a tough thing to work on that kind of sleep deprivation (or, you know, do ANYTHING).
I had a reverse cycler too, though J did most of his eating from the minute I walked in the door until his bedtime 3-4 hours later (seriously, I mostly nursed for about 3.5 hours straight). So let me tell you some of the things that came true for us, in the hopes that it gives you some hope:
1. After about 3 weeks, the schedule adjusted as he adjusted to not having me around. Those first 3 weeks were REALLY intense, with lots and lots of wakeups, nursing at every chance, etc. But it regulated to a much more manageable level after a little while. You both have a new routine and it will take both of you a while to get used to it.
2. There is often a sleep regression AROUND 4 months. In my house, it hit at about 3.5 months…right as I was headed back to work. But the regression eventually faded, and we both got back to better sleep. (Have you heard of the Wonder Weeks? It’s really kind of fascinating and I found it to hold pretty true for developmental spurts for my kiddo. It doesn’t change anything, but it did help me to know there were sometimes reasons for what was going on).
3. We went through a phase of not really knowing how much to leave for J’s bottles during the day. Even as a reverse cycler, it turned out he needed more milk than we thought he did. I know if you’re pumping it’s hard to produce more on the off chance that it will help, but it did help a little for us.
Beyond all that, I say this: FORMULA IS NOT THE DEVIL. Seriously. You have to be a functioning person, you have to drive, you have to work, and you need sleep to do those things. If one bottle of formula a night, or two, will help you get sleep, then it is NOT BAD for you to do that. Yes, your supply may drop, in the middle of the night, but it shouldn’t affect other nursings as long as you keep them up. A friend of mine has a blog Fearless Formula Feeder that you might want to check out–there’s a big community there of people who have done a lot of different levels of formula, and are usually more than willing to offer suggestions on how to move to combo feeding.
Wow, this turned into a novel. Sorry about that, but I know how hard this transition is. I hope some of what I said maybe helped? or offered some light at the end of the tunnel?
Hope, since I’m not a mom, I can’t help you with first hand, or first breast experience, but I can send hugs and this “no real experience” observation.
Give it more than a week to see if Lilian readjusts. Remember that millions of kids were fed formula instead of breast milk and not only survived, but also thrived. I’m sure that formula is better, of higher quality, more nutritious these days. You can probably even find organic formula.
If Lilian doesn’t adjust and you need to augment your natural breastmilk with formula, do not let anyone make you feel bad or guilty.
They give us a nap/diaper report when we pick her up from daycare and it doesn’t seem like she’s sleeping any more than usual. And she’s reaaaaally hungry when she wakes up. She’s only been drinking about 10-12 ounces at daycare, so she needs another 20 ounces when she’s with me. :\
Thank you! That was reaallllly helpful!
I have been dropping off everything I could pump at daycare, and it’s probably not enough. But (but!) I am getting better at pumping. So, hopefully, if I can leave another 4 oz bottle’s worth, that will help.
I am definitely a proponent of using formula if that’s what you need to do. I just wish there were better resources about how to do it in an optimal way. So many people are so all or nothing about it. I need a little more nuance! I just want to make sure that I don’t put myself into a self-perpetuating cycle where my supply goes down and we have to use more and more formula.
It is really awesome you got three months of of work in the beginning but sad to leave her and go back to work. I kind of dread that too and will likely have the same issues with breastfeeding and lack of sleep when I go back to work. I am hoping it is worth every sleepless night!!
Thanks, Mary. You’re the best!
Thanks, Kristi! I am trying to focus on the positive. Which is that I got three months with my little sweet pea and that’s a lot more than many women get. We scrimped and saved and worked lots of OT to do it, and it was definitely worth all of the effort.
Oh, honey. The most practical advice is you do what works. You’re doing a delightful job, and if the lack of sleep is starting to make just getting by difficult, it’s not really working too well. If giving the babe a little formula nightcap after the breast helps her sleep a bit better, and in turn helps YOU sleep a bit better, and THEN in turn makes ya’ll enjoy your time together even more…well THAT sounds like it works.
Cut yourself some slack, yeah? You’re a fab mom.
Thanks, I needed that. 🙂