How to Do Yoga: A Primer

The last time I talked about yoga, it was to serve as a terrible, terrible example. This is my primary function in life: to serve as a warning to others.

(This is why I was once electrocuted by a microphone).

(Twice).

(In the span of about 30 seconds).

(Ouch).

I’ve been going to yoga a lot lately (every Monday since January!) and I’ve learned a few things. I think it’s time to update my primer with some helpful tips for the successful yoga practice.

First of all, stop going to yoga in the city. Yoga in the ‘burbs is where it’s at. Not only is the parking plentiful, but at least half of the people in your class will have completely and utterly let themselves go. If finding inner peace through cuter yoga tops and shinier hair is wrong, I don’t want to be right.

If you want to become a “regular,” you need to start going to the same class every week. Not only will the teacher learn your name, you’ll be able to impart your wisdom to every new student that walks in the door. New student can be defined as “person who wasn’t in this specific class last week.” Make sure you show everyone the ropes! Let them know that everyone needs a purple block and that most people use a bolster. Then, point out the spot in the room where they should place their mat. I’m sure they’ll thank you for it! After all, you have such shiny hair and your yoga shirt is adorable. Remind them that they’re “going to love this class.” Ooze as much smugness as you possibly can without dehydrating yourself.

Things to avoid consuming before yoga: carbonated beverages, dairy products, cabbage, methane poppers. Don’t distract everyone from the cuteness of your appearance with the loudness of your flatulence. Nobody ever attained inner peace and enlightenment by repeating the mantra “don’t fart don’t fart don’t fart don’t fart don’t fart don’t fart.”

Your yoga teacher begins every class by reminding people that “this would be a good time to set an intention.” And then she reminds you that intentions are nothing like goals. They’re things that you would like to accomplish, but they are not goals. Your intention tonight should be “to not smack the guy across the room whose nasal cavities make a grating SNERK! noise every 17 seconds.” You could consider intending to not fart during class, but we all know how unrealistic that is. Especially if the teacher intends to make you do bound fish pose.

At this point, the yoga bits should be pretty easy. The Flying Spaghetti Monster may have given you dangerously high arches and crappy knees, but he did see fit to bestow impressive flexibility on you with His Noodly Appendage. You might consider thanking Him for his gifts, but it’s probably best not to make the statue of the Buddha in the corner feel left out.

When the SNERK! guy starts yelling things at the teacher, resist the urge to tell him that it’s unwritten yoga law that you’re not allowed to talk until after the lights come back on. He’s facing some stiff fines and possible yoga jail time for his actions, but don’t sink to his level. Be grateful for the fact that, while he needs to yell at the teacher about not knowing if his hands should be palms up or palms down, your hands are perfectly positioned.

The best way to do yoga is to do it regularly. So, I’ll see you at the studio next week.

Hopefully, the SNERK! guy will stay home.