{"id":2504,"date":"2011-01-25T11:01:49","date_gmt":"2011-01-25T16:01:49","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.hoperoth.com\/blog\/?p=2504"},"modified":"2011-02-07T16:45:59","modified_gmt":"2011-02-07T21:45:59","slug":"the-chocolate-orgy-that-wasnt","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.hoperoth.com\/blog\/the-chocolate-orgy-that-wasnt\/","title":{"rendered":"The Chocolate Orgy That Wasn’t"},"content":{"rendered":"

We decided to go out for dinner with a couple of friends on Saturday night. We were all in the mood for tapas, but we weren’t in the mood to wait an hour plus to get a table. So, we did what anybody who wants tapas and who also wants a reservation does – we headed out to the ‘burbs. From a “Hot damn, I didn’t realize I was so hungry” perspective, it wasn’t a bad idea. From a “Holy hell, this is the best <\/em>tapas EVAR” perspective, it was more of a mixed bag.<\/p>\n

We decided that any restaurant with mediocre tapas would probably also have mediocre desserts. So, we mozied on down the road to an ice cream store. A store with some rather fanciful <\/em>ice cream names.<\/p>\n

Chocolate Orgy.<\/p>\n

Colombian Fudge Avalanche.<\/p>\n

Charles River Crunch.<\/p>\n

Now, I don’t know about you, but I love a good, old-fashioned orgy of chocolate. I was picturing dark chocolate ice cream, some swirled fudge, maybe some brownie chunks. What I was not <\/em>expecting was to find out that chocolate orgy is chocolate ice cream with chocolate chips.<\/p>\n

The hell?!<\/p>\n

That’s chocolate chocolate chip! An established ice cream flavor. One that fits on a sign. And leaves the reader with no doubts as to what type of ice cream it is. Chocolate chocolate chip is a perfectly lovely flavor, but it’s no orgy. It’s more like “middle aged couple that doesn’t feel the need to do it on the kitchen floor but still likes to get down once a week or so.” There’s nothing wrong with it, but you’re certainly not going to write penthouse a letter talking about how you never would have imagined that it would happen to you. Nobody would buy Chocolate Old Married Couple, so I guess they took some creative license.<\/p>\n

All of their other fancy-named ice creams were similarly plain. It wasn’t quite to the point of having a flavor called Madagascan Madness and then finding out it was vanilla. But it was damn close.<\/p>\n

Which is when I made an important decision. One that could have some serious <\/em>repercussions. When I am benevolent dictator of the world, there will be strict laws about ice cream flavor names. No fancy names unless the ice cream contains at least four <\/em>different flavors. It’s the only way to protect people from falling prey to these false chocolate orgies.<\/p>\n

Other laws in a Hope-led world?<\/p>\n

September 8th (my birthday) will be an international holiday, celebrated with parades, singing and actual chocolate orgies.<\/p>\n

The punishment for marking low priority emails with the high importance flag will be life imprisonment.<\/p>\n

Tuesdays will be silly hat day.<\/p>\n

Gentle (and not so gentle) blog readers, let this be a lesson to you. My ice cream that night (chocolate cookie dough, I don’t reward people for lying) was even more mediocre than my tapas. A waste of empty calories. I might as well have eaten an apple. Or a pint of Ben and Jerry’s. Learn from my mistakes. If you should ever encounter an ice cream store whose naming convention hints at delusions of grandeur – run away. Run far, far away.<\/p>\n

Go home, crack open a pint of Cherry Garcia and turn on the Food Network.<\/p>\n

Watch some food porn instead.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

We decided to go out for dinner with a couple of friends on Saturday night. We were all in the mood for tapas, but we weren’t in the mood to…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_feature_clip_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[43,3,2],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-2504","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-bwd","category-grumble","category-random"],"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p5yggS-Eo","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"jetpack-related-posts":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.hoperoth.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2504","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.hoperoth.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.hoperoth.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.hoperoth.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.hoperoth.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=2504"}],"version-history":[{"count":5,"href":"https:\/\/www.hoperoth.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2504\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2546,"href":"https:\/\/www.hoperoth.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2504\/revisions\/2546"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.hoperoth.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=2504"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.hoperoth.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=2504"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.hoperoth.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=2504"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}