{"id":1574,"date":"2009-09-30T13:30:52","date_gmt":"2009-09-30T18:30:52","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.hoperoth.com\/blog\/?p=1574"},"modified":"2009-09-30T13:30:52","modified_gmt":"2009-09-30T18:30:52","slug":"because-lecturing-on-the-internet-is-so-much-more-satisfying-than-yelling-in-person","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.hoperoth.com\/blog\/because-lecturing-on-the-internet-is-so-much-more-satisfying-than-yelling-in-person\/","title":{"rendered":"Because Lecturing on the Internet Is So Much More Satisfying Than Yelling In Person"},"content":{"rendered":"

Dear Girl-Who-I-Almost-Ran-Over-Yesterday,<\/p>\n

I’m not sure if you are aware of this (you didn’t appear to be all that aware of pretty much anything), but you very nearly qualified for a Darwin Award<\/a> last night. Not to toot my own horn or anything, but the only reason that you’re still breathing through your mouth is that I was smart enough to anticipate your incredible stupidity.<\/p>\n

You see, I saw you crossing the street, shoulders hunched, thumbs furiously texting and I told myself, “Self, I bet that girl is going to walk in front of your vehicle without looking. You’d better slow down and proceed and with caution.”<\/p>\n

And, lo and behold, you finished crossing the intersection and then meandered off the curb and back into traffic. Right into the path of my on-coming vehicle. Luckily for you, my spidey-sense is fully functional. I promptly braked and then watched you walk across the street. With your head down. Still texting. Apparently the angry glare that I was giving you was successful, because you felt the heat of its ire and (finally) looked up. And what was my thanks for not squashing you like a bug?<\/p>\n

“Fuck you, I’m in a crosswalk.”<\/p>\n

To which I hastily replied, “Why don’t you LOOK WHERE YOU ARE GOING?!?!”<\/p>\n

Given the benefit of the benefit of the ability to draw your attention away from your phone for more than 17 seconds I would have explained this to you:<\/p>\n

I had a green light.
\nYou had a “Do Not Walk” signal.
\nCrosswalks do not, as of yet, have magical force-field technologies that will prevent you from being squashed like a bug by on-coming vehicles.<\/p>\n

In other words…<\/p>\n

I was right.
\nYou were wrong.
\nEven if our rightness and wrongness had been reversed, it wouldn’t have mattered , because you still would have been dead. Expired. Deceased. No more. An ex-parrot (or idiot), if you will. Bereft of life. Gone to meet your maker. Most certainly not pining for the fjords.<\/p>\n

To better illustrate my point, I have attached the following MS Paint Diagram:<\/p>\n

\"crosswalkgirl\"<\/a><\/p>\n

As you can see, I was making a right on GREEN. You were ignoring a DO NOT WALK sign. Also, my truck is awesome. And you are a total mouth breather.<\/p>\n

In the future, I would suggest that you put your phone away while doing such things as crossing the street, cooking bacon and operating heavy machinery. Because, while Mr. Darwin might approve of cleaning you out of the gene pool, I haven’t killed anybody yet and I have no intentions of doing so in the future. Plus, I kindof like my truck and would hate to see it impounded as evidence.<\/p>\n

Sincerely Yours,
\nThe Girl Who Didn’t Kill You Last Night <\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Dear Girl-Who-I-Almost-Ran-Over-Yesterday, I’m not sure if you are aware of this (you didn’t appear to be all that aware of pretty much anything), but you very nearly qualified for a…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_feature_clip_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[3,2],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-1574","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-grumble","category-random"],"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p5yggS-po","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"jetpack-related-posts":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.hoperoth.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1574","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.hoperoth.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.hoperoth.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.hoperoth.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.hoperoth.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1574"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/www.hoperoth.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1574\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1576,"href":"https:\/\/www.hoperoth.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1574\/revisions\/1576"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.hoperoth.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1574"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.hoperoth.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1574"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.hoperoth.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1574"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}