why<\/em> I know that he goes somewhere everyday at 5am? Because it wakes me up. Every. Single. Day. It took me a while to figure it out, because I don’t always register the sound of \u00a0his motorcycle. But, I sure as hell register the fact that it is 5am and I am awake. Also, I register the fact that I am not happy about this. And then, later, I register the fact that I am exhausted. It’s been like this all summer.<\/p>\nIt wasn’t until recently that a) He went on vacation and I discovered that I could sleep through the night that week and 2) I heard his motorcycle revving at 5 in the morning. Previously, I just assumed that my internal clock hated me.<\/p>\n
Unfortunately, there’s not much that I can do about it. The guy has a right to use his chosen method of transportation. Although I have to say, when he leaves it parked on the sidewalk in front of his house, the temptation to kick it over is quite hard to resist.<\/p>\n
Bad Hope. Bad, bad Hope.<\/p>\n
I never thought I’d say it, but I can’t wait until the weather gets crappy. Then, he won’t be able to ride anymore.<\/p>\n
All of this is just back story, however, to explain just how precarious my state of mind was last night. An entire Summer of interrupted sleep without a cute and cuddly baby to show for it. Also, I worked 10 hours of OT this week. And our hot water heater has finally decided that it doesn’t want to heat hot water anymore. I was exhausted, cranky and unable to relax in a hot bath.<\/p>\n
So, here I was, curled up in bed, hoping to (finally) get a good night’s sleep, attempting to relax and finally starting to somewhat succeed.<\/p>\n
When I hear it.<\/p>\n
The shouting.<\/p>\n
The swearing.<\/p>\n
The sexual history.<\/p>\n
It’s not unusual for our neighbors to scream at each other so loud they can be heard from our bedroom. They’re such busybodies, I figure it’s their way of achieving some sort of reciprocity. They’re always poking around in our business, so they share a little. What was<\/em> unusual was that they were screaming at each other at eleven o’clock at night.<\/p>\nAlso, they don’t usually scream about blow jobs.<\/p>\n
Oh yes, you heard me right. My neighbors broke up last night and it was most definitely about blow jobs. He got a blow job from Sally So-and-So. She gave a blow job to Joe So-and-So. Apparently if you want some oral pleasure, you should hang out in their backyard. Because, to hear them yell about it, you couldn’t get more action on their back porch if you were Bill Clinton and you’d just bought Fidel Castro’s private stash of Cuban Cigars.<\/p>\n
Kristian wanted to pop some popcorn, pour himself a beer and then settle outside on a lawn chair to watch the show. I settled for tweeting about it and then scrounging around for some ear plugs. We thought that they had finally shut up when she drove off in a huff, but she came back about 15-20 minutes later. And he wouldn’t let her in the house to get her stuff. Which just led to more shouting. And her threatening to call the cops.<\/p>\n
I was sorely tempted to yell out the window, “If you don’t call the cops, I will<\/em>.”<\/p>\nThey reached some sort of agreement or they killed each other. I wasn’t sure which one. I just know that the yelling stopped.<\/p>\n
(I kid! I kid!)<\/p>\n
(I saw her this afternoon! Totally not dead!)<\/p>\n
(She was not giving anyone a BJ!)<\/p>\n
(If I really had been scared for their safety, I would have called the cops!)<\/p>\n
(Any excuse to make law enforcement tell them to STFU!)<\/p>\n
I finally fell asleep some time after midnight. A long time after midnight. And then I woke up at 5am. Because I am doomed to never, ever get a good night’s sleep again.<\/p>\n
And that, my friends, is why I will be going to bed at about 8:30pm tonight. Also, why I hate our neighbors. At least, these particular neighbors.<\/p>\n
The End.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
(Read all the way to the end on this one, or you’ll miss out on some good dirt about the people across the street’s sex lives.) (I know, I know,…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_feature_clip_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[3,29,2],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-1545","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-grumble","category-house-stuff","category-random"],"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p5yggS-oV","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"jetpack-related-posts":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.hoperoth.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1545","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.hoperoth.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.hoperoth.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.hoperoth.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.hoperoth.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1545"}],"version-history":[{"count":6,"href":"https:\/\/www.hoperoth.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1545\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1551,"href":"https:\/\/www.hoperoth.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1545\/revisions\/1551"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.hoperoth.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1545"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.hoperoth.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1545"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.hoperoth.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1545"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}